The Gifts of Love

People asked me to keep blogging when Kyle died.

It seems like most of my posts would read like this:

My husband died.
I'm sad.
I cry a lot.

I'm sad because my husband died,
I cry a lot, especially between the hours of 9-11 PM.
It sucks.

I cry because my husband died
and I'm sad.
Screw cancer, it sucks.

So you see, there's not a whole lot of variation on 
the theme here. (Which is why I haven't blogged a whole
hell of a lot).

I AM sad and I DO cry.

But the story doesn't end there.

So I'm going to give you a little update on our lives.

I went back to work full time last week, and I'm still
in school.  Day by day, plugging along.

My children have done exactly as Kyle predicted
and they have stepped up to the plate to help carry
their mom.

In my book, they are superstars.

I am extremely grateful for 4 kids who have shoulders
big enough to help carry me forward in this life.

Kyle left me (us, all of us) with the lesson of love
in this life.  It is one I hope to hold forever in my
heart and continue to share.

People ask what they can do all the time and surprisingly
what I have found is that human beings are resilient.

Shockingly and surprisingly so.

We can keep moving forward if we chose.

That doesn't mean it's always easy OR fun, in fact
sometimes it is neither of those things right now.

But we still get to chose of how we move.

And for us, it is forward.

What I will tell you to do is HUG us if you see us.

For some reason the hugging has stopped and we 
(especially me) are STILL in desperate need of hugs.

Hugs are good.

If you see us, hug us.

Don't be afraid to ask how we are.

Remember even if you DON'T ask, we are still grieving 
the loss of our husband and dad.  So asking us
isn't reminding us of something that's always there--
it's just showing us you care.

Ask.  "How are you?"

Tell us you love us.   Again, love is powerful 
and just knowing we are loved...?  Well, it helps.

Kyle's death and life will forever be a part of who I am.

I will always love him and miss him and carry the 
memories of him in my heart.  His death has also
changed all of us.  I think that me, and each of my
children, will forever be the kind of people who
love more deeply, feel more profoundly, and give more
of ourselves to others.

It will take time to heal from all of this, yet
I feel a greater sense of all of those things even
as I type.

I rarely end a text or a call without an "I love you"
now to the people in my life I love.

Kyle taught me, you can never say it enough or too 
often, and you never ever know if it will be the
last time.

Say "I love you."  You'll never be sorry.

Kyle shared a lot of gifts with us ...but my favorite
was perhaps that of love.  It is a strong, and powerful,
and profoundly impactful gift in my life.

And that's what I've got.
For today.
Love.

I love you and I must go

My sister for another win.  

She sent this to me in a email yesterday and said

"This is beautiful and made me think of Kyle."

And I read it.  And it did.  And I cried and cried and cried.

Please hold your sympathy.

I am not a tragedy. I am human and flawed. I break under pressure, I boil under my skin with anger, love with every fiber that I contain. I cry inside with every sad tear that wells into my eyes.

My cells make mistakes, just as my words can be misleading. During these last moments I don’t need bells and whistles. I need love. Self-love, soul love, friend love, mother, brother, sister, father, aunt, uncle, grandmother love. I need to scream out from the inside and let go of it all love.

So don’t feel bad or sad for me.

I am becoming free.

Listen close as I tell you my last secrets. Hurry up, give me your ear, I am unraveling fast.

Dearest, what I want you to know are the secrets I have kept hidden behind these eyes. The secrets contained behind my physical walls.

I want you to breathe in air like it won’t happen again. Smell the rain before it hits the ground. Inhale when the flowers bloom and scrunch the dirt between your toes. Run from thunderstorms when you get caught in them.

Realize you are already soaked in the cleansing rain so you might as well play in the puddles.

Child, I want you to love.

Love someone like you will never ever love them again. Love them when the moon is glowing and then love them when the sun comes up. Love them when the sun and moon are out playing, kissing the sky and sharing secrets about the other side.

I wish for you to hold another to your chest.

Listen to them speak about missing you even, after a few hours apart. How they miss you even when they are in your arms. Love someone like your heart beats as if it was created to make music to their soul. Care for them as if they’ve done no wrong, even if they have.

Love many people, as many as you can. Even those who hurt you, sometimes they are the ones who need your love the most.

Forgive.

How important is it that you forgive. Forgiveness is a blessing you can bestow to your own heart when you share it with another. It is not something you can buy. It is not something you can take. It has to be given by another.

When you forgive, you release another of hardship. You release your soul of burden it may be silently carrying. When you harbor forgiveness, it can fester and rot. It will become toxic. Forgive freely and willingly, my child; you will find peace in your quest of forgiveness.

Fight for your life.

Do not lie down. From the moment you are born, there are forces tearing you apart. Your will is what makes you amazing. Your atoms are what make you beyond words. DNA from thousands of years, your fight is ingrained in you from those who never gave up.

Talk to your atoms; they are buzzing, listen close. Fight with every last fiber for your hearts desire. Be it true to the truth of the universe, you will be victorious in your conquest of existence.

Leave.

Leave your heart out for others to see. Leave your trail of light behind you wherever you go so others may find you. Leave a blanket out for others so they may feel the warmth of the love you have left for them. Leave a piece of your soul in another human.

Leave when things are not meant for you. Acknowledge there is no right time. So leave when you need to. People will be with you wherever your heart leads you. You must trust in the choice to go.

So, with this I must take my own advice. In my own state of grace, I am in a limbo where my messages are left behind. Know that I am still here with you, just not in the way you wish for me to be.

This is me listening to my atoms; this is me loving you with every ounce I have. This is me giving you every bit of what I have left in this world. This is me giving you my last forgiveness.

I am still there behind your eyes. I am in the daylight and the moonlight. I am dancing in the twilight. I am in the fall air and the winter’s chill. I am playing in the snowflakes as they brush against your face. The raindrops you run from and the warm breeze that wraps your lungs.

I am in your reflection when you look deep inside the mirror. I have left a piece of me inside your heart. You are the stars within my free soul. Please share my last few treasures and with those who may already know. I am always with you.

I love you, and I must go.

 Reposted from Rebelle Society