This is Kyle...he's a little insane (in a good way).

 


This is Kyle.

He LOVES to have his picture taken.  NOT.

This is Kyle.

He has chemo on Thursdays.

He LOVES himself a good round of chemo.

This is Kyle.

Chemo makes it so he can't sleep very well.
So he wakes up at 5:00 a.m.  

Only crazy people,
and his father, wake up at 5:00 a.m.

(sorry if I insult any other crazy people 
reading this that CHOOSE to wake up at 5:00 a.m.)

This is Kyle.

He is still working an (almost) full work week.

Some weeks, other than chemo weeks, a FULL week.

He says he would rather be at work NOT feeling 
sorry for himself, and doing something good, than
sitting around feeling sorry for himself.

This is Kyle.

Yesterday between (lots) of napping and taking it
easy, he ALSO ripped out the carpet in our hallway.

He's trying to finish up some house projects.

He would rather rip up carpet than sit around and 
feel sorry for himself.

This is Kyle.

He LOVES a good house project.

This is Kyle.

He also cleaned bathrooms yesterday, while the kids
and I did the rest of the house.

He likes cleaning bathrooms.  

This is Kyle.

He ALSO cleaned up some vomit yesterday too.

(Seriously? Of all the things right?)

I won't go into detail, but one time was the 
dog, and one time was (hanging my head in shame) ME.
(I've been sick--bronchitis-and I promise you don't 
want the details of why he did/had to clean mine up.
And for the record, this is the FIRST time he's EVER
"had to" clean up mine. 22 years of marriage.
First time. Seriously you don't want 
to know.)

This is Kyle.

STILL taking care of everyone else first.
Without question, complaint or worry.

This is Kyle.

You may THINK he's a regular guy, but he's not.

In some ways he's a hero.

He does NOT quit.

He does NOT give up.

He does NOT (mostly) feel sorry for himself.

He does NOT stop working (for now.)

He does NOT quit doing chores and helping around the house.

He does NOT stop living, and loving, and being.

This man is incredible, really.

This is Kyle.

Just a guy, like lots of other "regular"
people out there, battling cancer.

(NONE of whom are in any way "regular!")

Fighting the good fight.

In his own way, quietly.

Surrounded by people that love him.

This is Kyle.

He feel sound asleep at 9:30 p.m. last night.
Like snoring, and everything, asleep.

He says that's when "old guys" go to bed.

Old guys, or cancer fighting guys.

But that's okay when your body is fighting like
his body is fighting.

This is Kyle, a human being, a man, a husband, a father,
a brother, an uncle, a boss, a friend, a son and a hero.

A REAL PERSON!!!

MORE than just a person with cancer.

He's a person that does, and loves, and lives, and breaths,
and creates, and solves problems, and gives and IS.

This is Kyle, one incredible, slightly insane 
(in a good way), hard working, and wonderful person!

And this is what I've for today...a tiny peek into 
the man he his and what makes him tick.

And keep ticking!

This is Kyle.

Double Edged Sword

I won't lie.

Chemo days are HARD and long.

And good.

Did I mention long?

And hard?

And good.

Yesterday we started at 8:30 a.m. and were finally done
at about 5:30, heading home.

Some of the highlights of yesterdays visit to the Huntsman
were as follows:

1.  Kyle's white blood counts and red blood counts were PERFECT,
    right in the "normal range".
   
    What does this mean?  Well, if they are too high (or too low) 
    it means NO CHEMO--his body is not strong enough to fight the
    cancer OR the chemo (poison.)

2.  Kyle has some pretty sexy neutrophils going on inside of him!
    Admit it!  You're jealous.  YOU want some sexy neutrophils
    going on inside of YOU.  (You already have them, never fear!)

    What does this mean?  These little buggers are VERY important
    in order to get some chemo.  They are the most common type of 
    white blood cell, the important ones in fighting disease.  If 
    these little guys are really low, your body can't fight 
    infection AT ALL.   If you can't fight infection, you can't 
    get chemo.

3.  Kyle actually GAINED TWO POUNDS in his off weeks!

    Well, what's the BIG DEAL? you ask.  I'll tell you what the
    BIG DEAL is.  He had lost about 24 pounds prior to diagnosis.
    Without trying--that's what cancer does to you. 

    He lost a few more upon starting chemo.  This just comes with
    the territory.  We affectionately call it "The Cancer Diet".

    We're pretty sure we could bundle it and sell it in an 
    infomercial if the side effects (cancer being one of them)
    were not so devastating. 

          
    I mean this diet beats South Beach and Low Carb by a mile!  

    Anyway, two pounds gained is two more pounds Kyle gets to 
    loose again!  Seriously folks, we will take the two pound
    advantage.  They do it all the time on The Biggest Looser! 

4.  We had visitors!  YAY for visitors!  It is such a blessing to 
    have people stop by.  Bring lunch or a snack.  Stop for a 
    visit.  It makes a long day, almost good.  It's good to spend
    time with people who care about us too!  

5.  We met with Shelley, Dr Sharma's P.A., who does all the dirty
    work (weekly visits).  Shelley is amazing and awesome and 
    she loves telling Kyle about his sexy neutrophils and 
    answering our questions.

6.  Mallory did Kyle's IV line.  We LIKE Mallory.  A LOT!  Not to
    complain (bitterly) or anything but the other nurse who has 
    been doing Kyle's IV line...she's kind of grumpy and mean
    and we think that ALL cancer patients should ONLY have the
    kindest and nicest nurses out there.  Are you with me?  

    What does this mean? (Having Mallory).  It means Kyle's arm
    had a "nice clean stick".  She was kind and asked about our
    family (yes, we are REAL people with real lives--not just a
    patient with cancer.)

    Mallory was pleasant and started our long day off so nicely.

7.  Now for the HARD part of chemo....

    I told Kyle that Thursday always make it "real."

    He REALLY has cancer.

    That's why we are at the Huntsman.

    We are getting chemo.

    Which means he REALLY has cancer.

    Chemo makes him really tired.

    Which means it (the chemo) is working.

    BUT it also means he really has cancer.

    (Can you see where I'm going here?)

    Believe me when I say we're NOT in denial.  We're not.
    But Chemo Thursdays make it all real, all over again.

8.  We will take the long and hard and good and bad.  It means
    we are doing something to fight this *&#& cancer for as long
    as we can!  We are grateful for a good "TEAM" at the Huntsman
    that includes nurses and PA's and Doctors and more nurses.

    All of which make our long day, a whole lot easier.

9.  Kyle said last night it was amazing how one 9 hour day could
    completely wipe out how good he had been feeling for the past 
    two weeks.  BAM!  Chemo in, feeling good out!

    But he is grateful for a strong body that (so far) is 
    fighting this cancer.

10.  Cancer and Chemo Thursdays.  Good numbers and good nurses.
     Friends and Family.  ....That's what I've got for today!

Chemo Thursdays

You may have to get an Instagram.

It's just easier for me this way.

To document with pictures, lazily, via Instagram.

I took a few for Round Three and you can see 

the pictures there.

thebompie4

We had some more visitors today, which we are finding

that we LOVE!

It makes time go by faster and it's nice for someone,

besides me, to watch Kyle turn several shades of green

by the end of the day.

If you want to stop by some Thursday, you are welcome

to.

Limit is two people per patient (which we stretched 

a little bit today.)

My 4 children came by (2 of which were not allowed into

the infusion room *14 year old age limit* but I begged 

and they let my little girls come in for a minute or two

anyway).

They need to SEE, I think.

They need to have that memory to hold on to and know

what their daddy does every week at the Huntsman Institute.

Kyle's home resting now.

Thursday nights, however?

NOT such a good time for a visit.

Kyle said it was amazing how one 9 hour day hooked up to
chemo can wipe out an entire week of feeling good.

That chemo, it's some good stuff!

Officially half way through Chemo Round One.

3 more infusions and two "off weeks" to go.

Go #teamkyle

That's what I've got for today!

Pre Chemo Carbo Load

Marathon runners do it right?  Cyclists do it before a big race too...

So why not Cancer Patients before a big chemo day? (9 hours of chemo/doctor appointments/lab work/etc folks).

We're calling tonight our "Pre-Chemo Carbo Load."

Thanks to a friend, and a gift card to Settebello Pizzaria in downtown SLC., we managed to enjoy a night out on the town.

(That whole "normal people living normal lives" thingy I was talking about in one of my last posts.)

For one minute, we got to be normal people, living a normal life.

It was all about fattening the calf Kyle before chemo.

He has his own kind of marathon to run tomorrow, and in the coming weeks and months!

We bulked up on carbs and tried to help Kyle beef up a little.  

On his "off chemo" week, he managed to not loose a single pound.

We are so proud of him.  Hip hip hooray for no poundage lost!

(Considering he was down something like 24 pounds in the few months before that).

Cancer = best diet ever.  (but don't try this one at home kids!)

We will take all the weight the guy can keep on at this point.

His appetite was back, and better, these two "off weeks" as well.

So we kept shoveling in anything he could digest!

And shoveling.  And feeding.  And snacking.  And eating.

My family is a loud crew of people, sometimes we sound more like 16 instead of 6.

Sometimes they frighten even me.  (And I'm their mother).

Settebello proved a good place to stuff our faces and load up on

carbs.  You can't go wrong with "geniune" Italian pizza.  

You can NEVER go wrong with Italian food for this crew.

(Something to do with Kyle and I, and missions to Italy, and a love for the country and food....something....)

All pictures are on an IPHONE, so the quality is nothing short of embarrassing.  But, like always, I snapped away.  As you can tell in MANY of the pictures, my family was 100% OK with picture taking and THRILLED to be on other end of my lens. (again!)

Yup, I love these guys!

Settebello 

Um, Yup!

Caprese Salad...mmmmmmmm

and gone

4 pizzas for the sharing...please shield your eyes...

I have naughty children.

uh huh, it's what you think (keep shielding those eyes grandma!)

Here's the thing, they really, REALLY like to have 

their pictures taken.  I hope we don't loose any 

blog sponsors over these pictures!

(Oh wait...what blog sponsors?  nope, nothing 

to fear except judgement here!  :)  )

Kyle loading up on carbs.

go kyle! go kyle!

the kids stuffing their faces

sufficiently stuffed

one last bite

Patting our bellies, and done....well, almost.

After dinner gelato--who can resist?  Not us!  

Especially when we're trying to fatten fatten fatten!

choices choices

Father and son, oh how they LOVE pictures!!!!

ya baby!  Gelato everywhere.

Gelato eaten?  Check!

Pizza eaten?  Check! 

All in a nights work.

Shadows of the evening fall...

Remember how I said I would be honest?

Run away now if you don't want a sad, ugly post.

Yesterday = Hard Hard day for me.

I wept.  I cried.  I yelled.  I even tried to throw something

and as luck would have it, it wouldn't break.

I throw like a damn girl.  I guess I am a girl.  And I already knew I threw like one, who was I trying to kid?

I tried to throw some plates Kyle's aunt brought over just for this purpose and went out back and took aim at our shed.

I breathed deeply.  I focused.  I took aim and then I threw!

The &*#^&$ thing went sailing right over the top of the shed.

I missed by a mile.  Maybe two.

I tried again....

Perhaps not enough deep breathing?  Or focusing?

I missed again (FAR) to the right this time. (half a mile?)

I almost stepped in dog poop (and swore at the dog) and tried one more plate, successfully hitting the EDGE of the roof this time.

It made me MORE angry that I throw like a girl (and what good is breaking plates if you can't even HIT THE THING YOU'RE TRYING TO BREAK THE PLATES ON?!?!?  << my best yelling voice)

*&$(@# bad luck. 

Maybe someone needs to give me throwing lessons?

(Let me assure you however, there is absolutely NO HOPE in ever

teaching me how to hit something.)

I cried so hard I got a headache and coughed so hard I almost threw up.  

It was an ugly "slam my door"  "body shaking"  "sobbing" "heart wrenching" kind of cry.

I thought I was done with those, and yet this one came unbidden.

As I'm sure the next one,

and the next one,

and the next one, will do too.

Come unbidden.

I hate it (HATE IT) that cancer is ALWAYS looming in our backround.

I'm so very envious that other people can come visit, or call and then go home to normal lives.

Normal lives.

The kind of lives WITHOUT cancer in the backround.

I'm so envious that people get to take Spring Break trips, and go out to dinner and do all the normal kind of people things without thinking about cancer, or talking about cancer, or breathing cancer, or living cancer.

#ihatecancer.

I'm tired of talking about DNR's, and power of attorney, and living wills and insurance, and passwords, and things that are still getting in order, things that HAVE TO be talked about.

I just want to wake up and have one more normal day.

A "before cancer" kind of day.

But that is never going to happen again.

We will have good days, and better days, and bad days but they will all be filled with cancer and treatments and doctor appointments and labs and bloodwork and taking temperatures.

Back to yesterday.

A terrible horrible no good very bad day.

Kyle, who knows me so very well, let me have at it.

Plate throwing, swearing, crying, headaches, almost vomiting and all.

He probably secretly giggled (yes giggled) as I threw plates and missed targets.  (And why shouldn't he, I have no skills when it comes to plate throwing.)

Sigh.

But he let me go until I could go no more.

And as the shadows of the evening fell, I curled up on our bed and he came to lay down beside me.  The slanting sun splashed its rays across our bed, making long shadows around us.

He wrapped me up in his arms, held me tightly, and whispered in my ear. (Because it's not like HE'S the one with terminal cancer and I should be comforting HIM or anything!)

Things like, "It WILL be OK Dor."  "You WILL get through this even if you think you can't."  "I'm not dead yet." (Good one!)  "You're beautiful" (Have you SEEN my swollen eyes and blotchy face?) "You smell good" (seriously?) "I love you." (I love you too) "Do you want to punch something?  You can punch me!" (No because I would probably miss even though you're right next to me!)  "Let's just take one day at a time."  (I'm trying) 

So,

one day at a time...

That's what I'll try for today.

Tonight?

Carbo load for chemo!  (Hey if marathon runners can do it, so can chemo patients.)

Round Three tomorrow.

Huntsman 9 AM sharp.

Be there or be square.

We will be there!

Superman shirt on!

#teamkyle #go #fight #win

NYC April 2012  Shadow Pictures  *Kyle *Dor *Josh *Grace

A call for stories

Please don't think I'm being morbid.

But I'm asking for YOUR help.

Yes, YOU!  All of you that know and love my husband.

I'm just trying to think about the future...

...And my 9 year old daughter who knows her daddy, but will
never remember all the stories about who he WAS when the
day comes that he is no longer here to live those stories 
with her.

And for all of us.

So we can remember our dad and husband and brother and friend.

This is a VERY hard post to write.

Because it means the thing I don't want to happen 
(more than anything)...will at some point...happen.

And there is not enough waterproof mascara in the world
for that day.

So I wanted to reach out, NOW, and ask for stories and memories about Kyle.

I am calling all friends, mission companions, co-workers, family members, young men, my children's friends, young people, old people etc.  ANYONE who wants to send one... PLEASE send one to me.  

Anything that strikes you as fun, or funny, or just a story that will be worth typing up and sharing.

A trip, a hike, a family funny, a mission funny, a good story, a heart warming story, a story of courage or love or hope!

I am hoping to have as many of you that are willing, email
me these stories.

I'm hoping there will be MANY!

Many stories that we can draw on when the time comes that we need to read them.

I want to be able to print them and put them in a binder for all of us to read at a later point in time.

So this is my call for stories.

You may email them to me (Dorien) "the wife" at 

dorienn@excite.com

(You may also email me if you prefer a real home address where you can type up and send a story in....I will email you back with our address if that's easier)

I thank you in advance for sharing YOUR favorite memories of Kyle
and helping to preserve them for his children.

So...send a story!

Send two, or three or 5 if you want to.  The more the merrier.

Or so I've heard.

These are the stories that make us who we are, when we are no longer here to be making new stories.
They are, quite literally, the fabric of our lives.
They will live on and on after we exist no more.

This is what I've got for today....

SEND IN SOME STORIES!!

**Pretty please with a cherry on top!!

Food for thought

You may think that food is such a little thing in a persons life.

I mean, we all eat, right?

Often without thought. 

We make lists, we shop, we buy, we organize, we cook, we serve.

Breakfast. Lunch.  Dinner.

Day after day.  Week after week.

A few weeks before Kyle's diagnosis, I happened to be chatting online with friends (when you grow up all over the USA, you have friends from all over and online is a good place to connect.)

They were talking about some hard times and lack of neighborhood response.  I mentioned (oh so ironically) that if you ever get cancer  (or go through a divorce, or a job loss, or whatever) that my neighborhood is THE place to be.

They don't just step up here.

They step WAY up.

Like over the top (in a good way) UP!

We have lived through some hard times here and boy oh boy did we find out just how "UP" this neighborhood goes.

We feel so blessed to live in a place that really goes out of the way to help those in need around them.

They show me daily what the true meaning of "LOVE" is.

When they heard about Kyle, food and dinners started magically appearing at our doorstep.

Day after day.

Meal after meal.

One text, one email and two weeks worth of food started arriving.

You may think that dinners are a little thing.

But I can assure you that they are not.

I sometimes find myself standing in front of the refrigerator staring at it, and all the food inside, and it's like my brain has somehow forgotten HOW to gather the ingredients and turn them into something to eat.

I actually love to cook, and bake and now for some reason I can't seem to put together a bowl of cereal.

With everything else going on, it feels overwhelming to think of creating a meal.

My brain remembers how, but my hands are seemingly not willing to do the necessary work.

The food that comes in has been wonderful.  It is warm and fills our bodies, and our souls.

When we've had a hard, or long day--someone shows up with something to eat.

It takes one small burden off of my shoulders and assures me that my husband and children are eating.

The food is delivered with hugs and kind words and love and concern.  It's really so much more than a "meal" for us.

In addition to the food, all these small acts of service and love towards our family fill us up.

They give us energy to face a new day.

Sometimes people just show up with something out of the blue and say "Stick this in your freezer for a day you need it."

I have used every one of those meals so far.

What I am trying to say is "THANK YOU!"

Thank you to all of those people who have fed my family with both

good things to eat, and kind words and thoughts.

It is something I feel like I can never repay.

And probably I cannot.

But just know when you are bringing us a dinner, it is really so much more than that.

You're bringing us a little bit of help in a very hard time.

You're bringing us proof that you love us and care.

You're making sure that our basic needs are met.

That's what I've got for today....

Food, think about it.