Saturday Drive

I'm not sure if it's irony or not.

But I do find it sort of ironic.

Just this very morning Kyle and I were driving
around town running Saturday morning errands.

Something we don't get to do very much anymore.

With my crazy busy schedule.  

School.

Work.

Study Time.  Class Time.

4 kids.

And oh ya, that cancer guy and all his
Doctor appointments and chemo and all that fun stuff.

My life feels full to overwhelming almost 
every day.  I miss the time when I used to
be able to decompress.  Just a little.

Decompression is good for the soul.

But today?

We had some time to drive 
and talk and it was nice to just BE.

We were talking about, JUST TODAY, how the 
acts of kindness and goodness shown to us
by people we have never even met, have touched
our lives in deep and profound (and often
private) ways in this past week.

We were amazed as we spoke that there was so
much good in our life, despite all the hard
and bad and hard and cancer and hard and 
(still) looking for jobs and hard.

But yet...

In spite of it all, we were so very very
blessed.  I think that took us both back 
just a little.  But we were grateful to
still be able to see good, in spite of hard.

Today we got home and the mailman came.

She delivered a package to our hands, that 
when opened, quite literally, shocked us into
immediate tears.  Like sobbing and trying
to catch our breath kind of tears.

Took our breath away.

A fellow Cholangiocarcinoma fighter had reached
out to us from Georgia with love and kindness
and goodness.  

Another gift of love and light during this
fight.  A gift that was SO very very
unexpected.  Which made it that much more
beautiful.

I have met a new group of 5 women online, all
of us have husbands--young, way too young--
husbands that are fighting this cancer.  
We are spread from Utah to Georgia to 
Washington to Kansas.

And yet we are connected by a simple (and awful)
common bond.  We still find ways to laugh and
joke and boost each other up on the hard days.

I consider all 5 new friends, although I have
never met one of them in person.

Someday.

So once again, during this month of thanksgiving
and gratitude...the Kyle and Dorien Nielson's 
have more to be thankful for than sad about.

We are thankful for surprises in the mail.

We are grateful for "Uncle Dave" who has 
stepped in to bless our life in ways that
we never could have imagined.  And when he
walks into our house with his red headed smile,
the kids greet him like family (for he is)
and call out, "Hi Uncle Dave!"

And we are grateful for new friends that 
love us from across the country.

People that have our back.

Once again, we are grateful for richness and
kindness and love and blessings and hope.

Do me a favor today...in spite of anything 
you have going on in your life? 

Take a minute to remember the good stuff too.

There is ALWAYS something good mixed in with
the bad.  Do something kind for someone else.

Pay it forward.  It will make you happy when you do.

And that's what I've got for today.

All because of a Saturday Drive and the mailman.

-------------------------


And a "practical update"...

Kyle goes in early on Tuesday morning to have
his Y 90 radioemboliztion done.  

The time has come for the real radioactive
tiny beads to take a dance in his liver.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.  
We will keep everyone  posted via Facebook (
Team Kyle) and here and 
probably a few quick texts that can be passed 
along when we're done.

We are hoping to blast the beeswax out of 
his tumor.  Blast it into oblivion for a while.
Blast it back to the dark recesses of time.

Here's hoping!!

Grown Up Christmas Wish

Seriously beggars can't be choosers, right?

But I thought I would let you in on a little 

conversation that Kyle and I had the other day.

It's about choosing.

and I'm begging you to listen closely.

Shhhh....listen.  Really listen.

We were talking about Christmas, and once again

for us it's going to be a tight year.

Cancer, being off of work, waiting for disability

to kick in and all that jazz is making us

tighten the already tightened purse straps.

Which is okay.  We have lots of practice

with tightening.  We did one Christmas

when Kyle was unemployed a few years back

and as I recall it was one of our most

wonderful Christmases ever.

Christmas is not JUST about gifts and getting.

It's about a whole lot more than that.

Things that are more important.

Things like time and experiences.

Which leads me to this post...

Since you are all probably scratching your

heads wondering what Christmas Wishes and 

cancer have to do with one another.

Before we've even made it to Thanksgiving...

Sheesh!

And even if you're NOT wondering, I'm 

going to tell you.

I asked Kyle what he wanted this year for 

Christmas.

To which he replied, "Nothing!"

"What do I need?" he asked. 

Nothing.

I wasn't sure how to respond.

How do I prepare for and buy "nothing".

He looked at me, in all seriousness, and 

said that we never know how many Christmases

are left.  All of us together, making memories,

spending time, having experiences.

We hope a lot of them are left.

But, we just never know.

Heck, I could get hit by a bus tomorrow.

(Please don't let me be hit by a bus tomorrow!)

So he looked at me again and said,

"This is what I want Dor.  I want time

and memories and experiences."

But not just from me.

And not just from the kids.

This is what he wants from family and

friends and anyone that would want to 

"give him a gift" for the holidays.

So since we are heading rapidly into 

the season of gifts and giving.

And we are also heading rapidly into

the seaon of radioembolization, and who knows 

exactly how he will respond to this...  

(Good we hope, always good we hope!) 

...I am sharing with you Kyle's "Grown up I

Have Cancer Christmas Wish List."

This is what he wants:

*Time

*Memories

*Experiences

If you love him, if you want to give him

something?

Make the time to DO SOMETHING WITH HIM.

Or for him. OR WITH HIM.

Take him to lunch.  (Remember he's not 

working and has lots of free time now.)

Take him out for a Diet Coke. (He's drinking

it again, always a good reminder he feels well.)

Spend some time with him.

Make a memory with him.

Go and experience life with him.

Put it on your already busy holiday

schedule now and make it happen.

Take a picture of two to remember the day,

or moment, or memory.

Go to a movie.

Sit in the park at talk.

Laugh with him.

Cry with him.  (He won't care)

TALK TO HIM.

Be with him.

Love him.

Give him the thing he desires the very

most from the people he loves the very most.

Time.

Memories.

Experiences.

You won't be sorry, he will be thrilled 

and it will be time and energy well spent.

On both sides.

And you will have something to look back

on, when that other awful time comes, and 

smile about and remember and be glad

you MADE THE TIME TO MAKE A MEMORY with

your brother, your friend, your dad, your

son, your cousin, your spouse (and hopefully

I am the only one that fills the "spouse"

category!) or your whoever he is to you.

He's usually a Grinch and a Scrooge about 

Christmas...I take this as a good sign that

cancer, and perhaps middle age, is softening

him a bit.

This is Kyle's Grown Up Christmas Wish.

You know how to make it happen.

As Nike would say  "Just DO it!"

And that's what I've got for today!

Ho Ho Ho

Calling all dog lovers

Battynurse (sorry I don't know your real name)

because I always keep my promises (or try to lately)

and because you asked...here you go...

Presenting Ruby.

This is our Goldendoodle, 'Ruby the doodle'.

Goldendoodles are just that..."doodles".

They are somehow not the brightest tools

in the shed and brilliant all in the same

breath.  Their personalities are endearing

and loving and gentle and kind and derpy.  

They LOVE "their people"...if you are one of 

your "doodle's people", prepare to be loved.

Loved as in, full body wiggle when you come home

from anywhere.  As in they stand whining

on the couch when you leave them.

They are silly and goofy and make you laugh.

You may think she is a dog, but alas if you 

were to meet Ruby you would quickly learn she

is (more than) half human.

She is a mix between a Golden Retriever (and who

doesn't LOVE a Golden?) and a poodle.

Ruby does not shed.

No really, she DOES NOT shed.

I double dog doodle dare you to walk through my house

with black pants on and rub your leg thoroughly

against her fur.

It will come up clean.

My kids begged for years to get a dog.

I resisted, until one fateful day last December

when I was researching Goldendoodles on the web.

I happened to look at KSL (online classified

ads) and there was Ruby's

smiling puppy face looking RIGHT.AT.ME.

Smiling.

RIGHT.AT.ME.

It took me a total of 1 second flat to fall

in love with her picture and another 10 seconds

to tell my husband we were driving 40 minutes 

south of Salt Lake to look at (BUY) a puppy

for Christmas for the kids.

When we saw her it took us a total of another

1 seconds to fall in love with her in person.

She was THE dog.

She was OUR dog.

We loved her.

I LOVED her.

I, who had not wanted a dog for years and years,

LOVED HER.  I still do.

Ruby has been the perfect fit for our family.

Ruby came at the perfect time for our family.

Ruby makes us laugh when we're feeling down.

Ruby makes us happy when we feel sad.

Ruby makes hard days better and bad days brighter.

I triple dog doodle dare you not to fall 

in love with her if you meet her.

 Ruby playing in the fall leaves we raked up yesterday out back.

 Seriously, LOOK at her eyes!! She looks like a human dressed
up in a dog costume.  Look how she's sitting on her 'sisters' lap

And last but not least, Ruby getting a head message on the
kitchen counter.  Never fear, Kyle is a cleaning freak and the
counters were thoroughly cleaned before any cooking was done!

What have I got for today?

A Goldendoodle that we are extremely thankful for!

Thankful

I'm trying really hard to focus on Gratitude this 

month, because IN SPITE of everything, oh darn

you everything, we STILL have so much to be grateful

for.

Here's the short list:

Friends

Family

People who visit us at chemo

People who bring us lunch at chemo

Kids who make good grades

Kids who "step up to the plate"

Good music

The fact that Kyle is STILL HERE

And doing well

And responding well

And alive

And cleaning bathrooms

Fall leaves

Wonderful nurses at the Huntsman Cancer Institute

Doctors

New online friends who form support groups for

the wives of CC patients

Love

Hope

Faith in goodness

Faith in hope

The fact I have a job

That I've learned some sign language and

to love autistic kids over the past few months.

Seeing goodness in spite of pain

Laughing

Telling jokes

Having a dog that sits on my kitchen counter

for head rubs (Don't even ask!)

Food

Shelter

Clothing

Heat

Running Water

Toilets and Showers

A warm bed at night

Friends that support us in unexpected ways

A husband who still loves me after 23 years

Children that forgive me when I'm sad

The 4 kids that we've been blessed with

Emails from strangers

Instagram

Facebook

A good book

Conan, who makes us laugh

The fact that I'm in school again and smart enough

to have done well, so far.

Sunny fall days

Falling leaves 

Mountains

Sunsets

A Goldendoodle named Ruby (who would say she

should be at THE TOP of this list--don't ask--our

dog 'talks'.  Don't ALL dogs 'talk'?)

Texts

Emails

Love

Family

Kyle

Josh 

Grace 

Eliza

Oliva

Sisters

Brothers

Parents

Hot chocolate

The little things

Things that matter

Fabulous Vietnamese sandwiches from Oh Mai 

(go there-you will NOT regret it!  Order the Rib Eye #8)

Grandparents

I read a note from someone this week who decided

that so many things in are our lives are so unimportant, and

when it all boiled down to the things that mattered,

the THING that mattered most, it boiled down to LOVE.

Plain and simple.

Love for each other, our fellow human travelers 

along this journey of life.

Looking out for each other, taking care of each other,

reaching out for those in pain, comforting those

in need of comfort.

Love.

That's the one thing, the only thing, in ALL the

things piled upon things piled upon things, that

really matters.

It's all about love.

Love one another.

All you need is love.

And we're thankful that we are loved.

Thankful.

Teamwork

Being a part of family means being a part of a team.

I have to admit that last night was a black night
in our house.  The kind of night without stars.
Black and deep and cold and lonely.  Aching
and hard and full of heartbreak.

I can't explain always why or how a bad night hits...
but sometimes it comes with a ferocity that can't be
stopped with the force of a freight train flying
though the night into our lives, barreling down
the road right for our front door and then crashing in.

There is no stopping it once it has taken motion.
There is no stopping the force of emotion that
comes with it.

There were lots of tears and a good amount of weeping.

It involved Grace sitting on my lap and holding my
hand and lots of hugging and reassuring and listening.

We are a team, and when one man goes down, we have
to rally.  Sometimes more than one of us goes down.

Then we rally a little harder, and longer.
It also requires more Kleenex, and lots of
sniffling. 

Sometimes cancer takes a flying punch right at our
face and no matter how fast we duck it seems to land
square on our nose with a ferocity that takes our
breath away.

Cancer and life and circumstances have come
fast and hard at our family this year.  There are
days I wonder how we, any of us, are still 
standing.  There are days when I want to run
away as far as I can and never look back.  There
are days when I think I cannot make it through
one more minute without cracking in two.  There
are days when I wonder why we are fighting so 
hard.  There are days....

Kyle has said that of ALL THE THINGS he has been
"impressed with" (call it what you will...spiritually,
mentally, emotionally, in his heart and soul and 
mind)...but of ALL THE THINGS he tells me HE KNOWS
when we spend late nights talking and talking
and yes, occasionally still crying, he feels so
very strongly that someday when he's gone that his 
children will "fill in" the little pieces of him
to carry me through.

He feels so strongly that each one of them...

Josh

and 

Grace

and 

Eliza

and 

Olivia

will pick up a different part of who he is
and hold my hand and lift my spirits and love me
and hold me and hug me and comfort me and
be with me and guide me and tell me and be
on my team.

Our team.

The team of the Kyle Nielsons.

I see little glimpses of it happening already.
I take comfort in the things I see my children
doing. I see them stepping up to big shoes 
and starting to fill them with enormous hearts
and souls stretched beyond their years.

I hate it that they have to do it, yet
I love that they do it so tenderly and 
kindly and lovingly.

Alone we can do so little, together we can
do so much...(Helen Keller).

This is how I feel the fight against cancer
has been.  With Team Kyle.

That team includes us, family, friends, and
strangers who step in to fill so many parts
and pieces that we cannot do alone.

But some days, no matter how many people
are stepping in...for us in the middle of 
the fray, the fight, the battle of a lifetime,
it still overwhelms and we crumble just a little
and fall.

I swore last night I was done for.
I quit.  There was no way I could do another
day.  Of work. Of school. Of cancer. Of
hard kids at work.  Of interviewing and job
searching.  Of smiling and nodding.  Of
trying to stay positive and wait for news.

I was convinced I was finished.

And last night?  

I was.

We were. 

Team Kyle was down and out.

I promised I was going to stay in bed all
day today and cry and not go to work, and get
feces wiped on me and get bitten and do 
homework and look for more jobs and do 
everything that feels so hard and never ends.

Never ends.

Never.

ends.

But (damn it!) because I know myself so well,
I knew that once I had emotionally vomited and
purged all over everyone and everything and 
been held by the ones who love me the most,
when I am the least love able, that I would rise
once again...somehow, someway.

And I did.

We all did.

It was a new day.

Team Kyle, somehow, someway pulled together,
regrouped, and started another day.

We got out of bed, I had extremely puffy swollen
eyes.  I took a shower.  I got ready for work
and I went.  The kids got up for school and went.

And I went to a job interview and I came 
home and did homework for 3 hours.  The kids
and Kyle cooked pancakes for dinner.  The
girls cleaned the kitchen.  Music played.
We laughed. The dog stole bacon off of the
counter.  Life, crazily and oddly enough,
went on.

And I'm still here.

And my family is still here.

And we're still a team.

And I've met MORE new people and had more 
people stepping in to help and lift and support.

Cancer?  

It takes teamwork.  

Even when the chips are down, and by george,
they DO go down...we can count on our team.

My sister texted this morning and said,
"Is it 'Good morning?' or is it just 'Morning?'"

It answered it was... 'just morning'.

But we were still here and ready to 
fight for another day.

Teamwork.

Go Team Kyle.

Today that's what I've got.

Thanks to everyone, everyone, who's on our team.

Once again, we couldn't do it without you.

We love the idea of people rallying around
us to help us fight.  We love that you're
still here to help us through.

Thank you, we couldn't do it without...

Well, Teamwork.