The post in which I almost say the "F" word....

Or post sub title:

In Which Dorien Shares the Most Awful Experience She's 
Had So Far...related to Terminal Cancer.
(other than the diagnosis).

That's saying a lot.

You're intrigued now, aren't you?

Or you're horrified, right?

Some of you will turn away.

You will think, what has become of Dorien?  

What has she lowered her standards to?  
Gasp! Shock! Horror! Shame!

I know.  I know.

(And anyway, if you already REALLY knew me--you would be
MUCH LESS shocked and horrified....or maybe you would be MORE
of BOTH!)

Some of you will quickly keep reading to see WHAT
it is that makes me ALMOST say the "F" word.

Because you're curious, or because you like scandal.

Scandal is delicious, isn't it?

Savory and tasty and wonderful.  
It rolls around the inside of your mouth slowly.  
It's delightful!

And yes! I am talking about THAT word.

It is THE "F" word.

Not funny, or frugal, or fantastic, or fugly.
Or freezing, or friend, or flaming, or forever.
Not Facebook, or funyuns, or flamboyant. 

But the "Mother of All Bad Words", F word.

That one.

Well, if you've made it this far, lets go even farther.

Have I mentioned before that Kyle and I are 
EXTREMELY private people?

If I haven't (which I think I have) I am mentioning it again.

PRI-VATE!  Capital "P".

The fact that everyone knows our business with this cancer is, how shall i say it?

EXCRUCIATINGLY painful for BOTH of us.

That's how I'll say it.

Phew, that was easy.

We've done this blog and Facebook pages so that the bazillion
people who love Kyle and want to know what's going on can
be updated.  And help, and send love, and be a part of our 
lives and this journey.

It is SO MUCH easier for us to get information out.

Easier than calling or texting 100 people every time we get
an update.

There are lots of updates.

And lots of people to tell.

People care and want to know, so we have sacrificed something
that we used to treasure (privacy) in order to share this
journey with people quickly and efficiently. 

And we're okay with that.

Because we know you care!

And that matters to us, it gives us strength.

So that's the trade off for us.

We consider it a pretty good trade off.

So far.

Sharing, however, is sort of like having all the doors and windows open in our house on a summer day and having a huge fight that we don't want anyone to hear.

Except this fight?

(cancer)

EVERYBODY'S hearing it.

sigh.

(Not that we ever have any fights.  ahem.)

We've become accustomed to it, this lack of privacy.

That doesn't make it any easier some days.

Now here's the kicker.

Here's the part that led me to "F" words rumbling around
in my head and throat and almost leaping from my mouth.

Those guys are sneaky, slippery and fast--you have to 
watch out for "F" words.

They find a way out before you know it sometimes.

Because of Facebook, people who neither Kyle nor I exactly
"know" have wiggled their way inside of our "circle".

Maybe a friend of a friend.

See?

And that's okay.

If people want to read our story, or cry, or draw courage from it, or make fun of us, or WHATEVER...that's OKAY.

It's okay, until it isn't.

Yesterday someone crossed the proverbial line on Facebook.

Someone I really don't even know.

That friend of a friend thing.

They messaged me, after they had seen a post and said something
like this....

"You know all these people contributing and donating to your
family are only going to be burned in the end."

"This will end badly for those people."

"This is the internet and you never know when people are making
up cancer stories just for sympathy and money."

"Or both sympathy AND money."

The implication was that I was lying...

Can you see where I'm going with this?

I can already feel my blood BOILING again, just typing it.

Lying...

...About my 44 year old husband having terminal cancer.

...About my family and our story.

I read this message, the ONLY cruel and awful message I have
had thus far related to Kyle and cancer.

Sobs caught in my throat.  I wept.  Literally wept.

My tears, however, weren't tears of sadness.
They were tears of anger and fury and hurt and pain.

Why would someone choose be so mean?  and awful?  and make such 
a HORRIBLE accusation?  I was devastated.

Here's "The THING" lady...

My husband?  He DOES have terminal cancer?

Nope, not making it up.

Wish I were.

Here's the OTHER thing.

Perhaps this is even MORE important for me to say.

If I could take EVERY PENNY that has been raised for my
family, every act of service, every kind deed, every dinner,
meal, treat, bit of yard work and house cleaning and roofing,
every text and phone call and card and visit and every
single freaking bit of love and goodness that has been shown
to us for the past two months since we got this news...

I would trade ALL OF IT, and more....

Do you hear me???

ALL OF IT AND MORE!!!!!!!!

Just to know that my husband wasn't sick, and going to die.

Just to know that he would watch my kids grow up, and get married.

Just to know that he would be around to play with grandchildren.

Just to know he would be here to change MY diapers when I
was 82 years old.  

I would trade ALL of it, all of it, all of it, to NOT have this cancer and have a husband.

Here, with me and the kids.

On earth.  In this life.

I WOULD TRADE ALL OF IT!!!

Because even though it IS ALL nice and wonderful and helpful
and kind...it doesn't change the ONE THING I would give
a million dollars to change.  

The one thing I cannot change, even IF I had ALL
the money, and ALL the kindness in this entire world.

SO .....here's what I didn't say to you.

The thing that I really wanted to say to you yesterday...
...and didn't.

Because (shockingly) sometimes I actually do practice restraint.

(Not much, and not very often if it makes anyone feel any better)

DUCK SOUP!!

(If you take off the "D" and trade it for an "F", and drop
the "S" and "P" off of "Soup" and change it to something that sounds like "Soup" that starts with a "Y"....)

Well, you get this picture!

And that's what I've got for today!

DUCK SOUP!!!

If you want to judge me?

Judge me!  Fine.  I'm okay with that!

But don't you DARE call me a liar!
Especially about something like this.

And just for entertainment I will let Kyle "say" it for me.

 

I'm so sorry to offend, those who I am SURE
I will offend.  Photo taken by yours truly-

one day after cancer diagnosis, waiting in the

hospital for an endoscopy to see if cancer was

in stomach as well.  Some days? This is just

how cancer makes you feel.  Love it or hate

it--?? That's the truth!  That's our truth!

The "F" word?  It's NOT the "bad word" here.

The "C" word? (cancer)

That's the one that's the bad word here.