Satisfied

Today is Valentines Day.

Not a holiday I am particularly fond of honestly.
Nor is Kyle.

But it is what it is.

This year, we have circled around to our (almost)
one year anniversary of being diagnosed with cancer.

(The exact date is March 6, but who's keeping track?)

As I drove home from work today (I got off 2 hours early
and THAT was a present in itself) I reflected on the
many many many many many changes in our lives this past
(almost) year.

Sometimes my head spins at the thought of what has
transpired.  Who knew it was humanly possible
to SURVIVE so much change?  Who knew?

I went from a full time stay at home mom who got
to shop, and clean, and exercise, and go to lunch
with friends, and make dinners, and birthday cakes
and be a helper at school in my kids classrooms...

...to a full time employee and a student in college
and the wife of a full time cancer patient.

I learned new words and new chemo's and new jobs.
I met new Doctors and nurses and made new friends.

I learned the depth and breadth and height and width
of BOTH joy and pain that I never, ever imagined possible.

My heart has grown and constricted and shared
and felt, more deeply, than it ever has prior.

I have cried and laughed and wept and loved and 
beat my fists at the sky.  I have reflected and
planned and hoped and fought.  I have hugged
and kissed and held and comforted.  

I have gotten up on days when I did not think 
it was possible to get up and keep going--- 
and I have kept going.  

Kyle has done the same.

We have done all of those things hand in hand
as a family.  Together.

(Who, for the record, are the loves of my life.)

Today as I drove home from work, I felt gratitude.

Kyle has had a NASTY body rash/hives since chemo on 
Tuesday and has felt (literally) the most miserable
he has felt since he started chemo that (almost)
year ago.

Today he finally had to call in the big guns and
get a presciption to help him heal.  The Benadryl
was just not cutting it and he couldn't sleep or
rest or feel better.

Two hours later he texted to say he ALREADY felt 
better on the new med's and I felt satisfied.

Satisfied because my long hours at work mean he
gets medicine to help him feel better.

Satisfied that my efforts were paying off and 
actually helping my family.

Satisfied that we still have the option 
of having him feel better.

Satisfied that I got an extra 2 hours with my 
family today AND (AND! AND!) a 3 day weekend.

Satisfied that he's still here, and alive, 
and fighting, and willing to keep fighting
and living and trying--despite it all--he's
still willing to play the odds and keep rolling
the dice.  And so am I.

And so on this holiday for lovers, I give a shout
out to mine for having more courage and endurance,
and hope, a good heart that CONTINUES to put
other people before him, even now.  Even when I
tell him he's insane.   It's just who Kyle is,
it's in his DNA.  I expect that's how it will
be to the bitter end, and he deserves big points
in my book for that quality.

In the words of the Avett Brothers:

"Always remember there was nothing worth sharing
Like the love that let us share our name"

I'm so glad I share my name with you.

I'm so glad we are the Nielson family.

I love you my Valentines.

Kyle and Josh and Grace and Eliza and Oliva,

and of course Ruby the doodle.

And that's what I have for today.

(And now off to fall into my sugar coma!)