Grief

I'm not sure how long I'll keep writing, but sometimes
words just need to come pouring out of me. 

It's how I do this, and it's how I've done this
and I don't know any other way.

Mostly it's always been for me--to record my feelings
and this journey...

Grief is exhausting.

Life after Kyle is exhausting.

A few people have said to me, "It must be nice
to have so much free time and just relax now."

To which I laughed (somewhat manically) and said, "relax?"

Who are you kidding?

Do you know how much work has to happen when your 
spouse dies?  How many things have to be done?
And changed? And fixed?  And life---it just keeps
going on.

Life insurance and social security and long lines
and phone calls and more calls and changing bills
to my name and getting death certificates and
mailing them off to prove Kyle died and on and on and on.

I thought when Kyle died I would wake up with a shock
of white hair, because of grief.

Or I thought I would not wake up at all, since half
of my heart had stopped beating.

Or I thought that everything in time would freeze
and be stuck in that one moment when he breathed his
last breath.

But, I was wrong on all counts.

Life keeps going.

There is beauty in that.

There is also pain in that.

Grace came home from a High School basketball game
last night and laid down on my bed and said, "That was
EXHAUSTING!"

This is my social child, the one who likes being with 
other people.

That's the thing about grief...

IT. IS. EXHAUSTING.

It takes all of ones energy to just get out of bed
each day and put one foot in front of the other.

There is not much left over for anything else.
Or anyone else.  We're in survival mode.

Being in crowds of people is exhausting for us
right now (and I thought it was just me).

Part of our souls, and hearts, and bodies just need
to be nourished in our own little family--the rest
feels too overwhelming.

But on the other hand, we need to know people love
us and care--so it's a funny balance right?

I'm not sure what I'm saying--but maybe don't be
offended if it's too much to be with people right now
and we can't be with you.

But in the same breath ---don't forget about us--
we need to know we're loved and cared for, so sometimes
we will WANT to be with you.

I guess it will all just take time, and it depends
on the day.

I miss Kyle so very much--the biggest hole in my life
is his touch.  Just a hug or his hand on my back or
laying by him watching TV and feeling his breath.

It's amazing how utterly lonely, alone, one can feel
even surrounded by lots of people.

I would give a million dollars to hold him one
more time and hear him tell me he loves me.

I have had lots of hugs (all of which are great!--
so PLEASE don't stop giving them to us--they're the best!)
but it's still not the same....as his.

I'm rambling now....

But rambling and grief all go together I guess.

And it's what I've got for today.