This is what it would look like if Jesus showed up at your house....

I don't mean to get all religious here.

But today I am overwhelmed.

Beyond words, which if you know me, is rare.

Sometime shortly before Kyle's diagnosis I was talking

with some friends online.

They were speaking of hard times, heart ache, and tragedy.

And lack of response from wards.

I said, "Well, if you EVER want to go through a hard time--

my ward is the place to be.  When they step up, they REALLY

step.up.  They are amazing!"

Little did I know I would be on the receiving end of "stepping up" so soon after this conversation.

(darn it!)

Today at 7 a.m., people started showing up to tear off our

old roof and give us a new one.

Before Kyle...well, goes.

So that we have one less thing to worry about during treatment ...and afterwards.

For peace of mind that all things would be in order for us.

We really needed a new roof.

Like really, really.

As I sit in my house (literally weeping, like snot dripping from my nose weeping, like body wrenching sobs weeping, like I forgot my waterproof mascara weeping) at the kindness from these people, these men, these fellow human beings...

I am overwhelmed.

I think,

THIS is what it would be like if Jesus took a day off of work

and showed up at your house.  To love, and serve, and give freely 

of His time. 

And then I think, WAIT!

This *IS* what it looks like when He shows up at your house.

In the form of many many men.

Taking time off of work to be here.

Young and old.

At 7 a.m., I thought SURELY no one will come, can come.

It's Thursday and people have jobs.

Then people started showing up.

And kept showing up.

And are STILL showing up.

My roof is coming off quickly.

Breakfast showed up for the men to eat.

Another kind soul brought it by for them to eat.

No one is complaining.

People are missing work.

Lots of people.

To serve us.

To love us.

To act as He would.

There is literally NO WAY we can ever "pay back" or give enough

thanks for this act of kindness.

NO WAY.

But we will give a HUGE shout out to the Olympus 3rd Ward,

and all those men, and women, who are loving us through this act.

This act that is very very humbling to accept.

(Who deserves something like this?)

So... 

Thank you!

Thank you!

From the very bottom of our hearts.

For just when another moment comes, and we think that we 

cannot move forward through this journey....something else

happens to give us the strength to carry on.

Thank you, all of you, for being "Jesus" today for the Nielson family.  For acting as He would.  As He taught us we all should act.

We are so very blessed to be a part of something bigger than 

ourselves.

We are so very blessed to be a part of this group of people.

It's time for me to go put on my waterproof mascara and

face all of you.

There is still A LOT good in the world, 

Just in case you thought that there wasn't.

(After Boston and all)

A LOT of good in the world.

And that's what I've got for today!

Stolen

Rabbi Kushner is getting a lot of air time on my blog.

So is that Radio West podcast. 

They should thank me.

I have stolen a part of quote off of my brother in laws Facebook page.  (Thanks Eric, if you're reading this, for letting me steal it).

It was in regard to the Boston bombings that happened yesterday during the marathon...but it applies here (to my husbands cancer) as well.


"...had me listen last month to a RadioWest podcast with Rabbi Harold Kushner (from the Boston area) discussing the Newtown CT tragedy. He was asked "Why did God let this happen?" He answered by citing the passage from I Kings 19 (where an angel tells Elijah to go up to the mountain): "Go forth, and stand upon the mount before the Lord. And, behold, the Lord passed by, and a great and strong wind rent the mountains, and brake in pieces the rocks before the Lord; but the Lord was not in the wind: and after the wind an earthquake; but the Lord was not in the earthquake: And after the earthquake a fire; but the Lord was not in the fire: and after the fire a still small voice." Rabbi Kushner then said that god was not in the tragedy, but rather god is in what happens after the tragedy - those who ran toward the scene to help, the outpouring of love and support, and the building of community. A beautiful interpretation. God was not in the bombs, but god will be in what comes now."


To which I say a hearty AMEN!

(again).

And add, God is not in the cancer--but rather God is in what happens AFTER the tragedy (the cancer, the bombings, the death, the heartache).

He is in those who RUN TOWARD the scene to help.

God is in those who RUN TO US, to help us and love and "rebuild" our lives.

One more beautiful quote today ...

“When your burden is heaviest, you can always lighten a little some other burden. At times when you cannot see God, there is still open to you this sacred possibility, to show God; for it is the love and kindness of human hearts through which the divine reality comes home to men, whether they name it or not. Let this thought, then, stay with you: there may be times when you cannot find help, but there is no time when you cannot give help.” --George S. Merriam


 And that's what I've got for today.

For the record

In our house right now we have got the following...

1) Cancer.  This person is on ZERO medication and feeling quite 
            well, actually.

2) Bronchitis.  This person is on several medications and still
               throwing up everyday from coughing so hard.

3) Strep throat.  This person has "strep breath", a fever and
                  overall feels like crap.

4) A newly spayed dog.  This "person" sits and whimpers and
                        can't/won't eat.  She fell down the 
                        stairs because it hurts to walk and she
                        vomited up her pain medication last
                        night.  (Always with the vomit in this
                        house...what can I say?)


Yup, so all in all, the cancer dude?  He's kicking our butts!

Just thought I would provide some comic relief about our family
today!

Three stories that have nothing to do with each other...

I have three stories floating around inside my head.

They are in no way related to each other.

They are just three stories.

There may not even be a lesson learned, or any great insights from them.  But they are about this journey, so I will tell them.


*Story One

For the past three weeks (literally) I have had bronchitis.

It is quite possible that I am under a little bit of stress and
so my body is having a hard time fighting the sickness.

Maybe.

I have bronchitis so badly that I do nothing but cough.

Cough. cough. cough.

I cough so hard I throw up.

All of my meals, and nothing at all.

I cough so hard I pee my pants.

(You can make fun of me all you want to, but if you have ever given birth to a baby, or you KNOW a woman who has ever given birth to a baby--then you will CLEARLY understand what coughing and peeing have in common in this instance.)

I told my husband that I was NOT going to miss a trip to chemo with him.  

My place is beside him, it is where I want to, and need to, be.

Well, as anyone darn well knows--bronchitis and chemo and hospitals don't go very well together.

I had no idea what I was going to do.  

But I DID KNOW I was not willing to miss a round of chemo with Kyle.

Two Thursdays ago I told myself "mind over matter!  You WILL NOT cough today.  you will not cough today.  you will not cough today."

Like that ever does me any good. (mind over matter).

I got ready and told Kyle I was NOT going to cough.

Long story short, I went through the ENTIRE day, with him, without one cough.  NOT ONE COUGH.

I wish I could say I were lying, or exaggerating, or telling a tall tale--but all of THOSE THINGS would be a lie.

I did NOT COUGH one time at treatment.

When we came that night, I coughed so hard I threw up, again.

Imagine that.

Fast forward to this Thursday.

Same thing.

Cough. Cough. Cough.

Vomit.

Pee.

Cough.

All week long.

I woke up Thursday and said again "I'm going."

Once again I spent the entire day without ONE cough. 

Not one cough.

I came home and have been coughing ever since.

I cannot try and make sense of any of it.

It makes no sense to me.  I cannot imagine how, or why, or what.

I'm not even saying it was anything extra-ordinary, or miraculous or tender-mercy-ish.

I'm just telling you what happened.

I was where I needed to be, and wanted to be.

By my husbands side during his chemo treatments.

No coughing whatsoever.

Make of it what you will.

Or make nothing of it at all.



*Story Two

Wednesday night before "Chemo Thursday" Kyle and I were talking together in bed and I said to him...

You know I really really really wish you didn't have cancer.

I hate this.

I wish I could make it go away.

He agreed with me.

We don't choose to do this.

We don't want to do this.

We both hate this.

But there is no changing.

If we could somehow claw and fight and scream like crazy and make it all go away, we would.

We just want to be clear that this is STILL not something we face joyfully, or gladly.

We wish 

we wish

oh how we wish

that Kyle did not have this.

That's all.

Just in case you all thought we were strong or something.


*Story Three

In our married life, Kyle has been known to loose his wallet and keys a few times.

And misplace things and forget where they have been placed.

Me?  Not so much.

If there is a hook, I hang my keys.

It seems to be a system that works for not loosing my keys.

For me, anyway.

Driving up to chemo on Thursday I asked if he had my cough drops in his "Chemo Backpack" (the one we pack every week for a 9 hour day.)

He said he thought he had taken them out.

I was not very happy.

In fact, I was mad.

(About cough drops, I know what can I say?)

But really I was MORE mad that we were spending another 9 hour day at doctors and appointments and dripping poison into Kyle's arm. 

I was MORE angry he had cancer.

I was MORE angry that this was now our life.

I would rather have been going to do something FUN with my husband.

Like a movie.

Or a fun trip to New York.

Or grabbing breakfast.

Or walking around Home Depot, for heavens sake.

I asked why he had taken the cough drops out of the bag.

He didn't remember why he had.

I was to the point of tears.

(Remember this wasn't REALLY about the cough drops--it was about the cancer, and the disruption to our lives).

He, in his always kind and quiet way, offered to stop and run into a grocery store and get some for me.

He told me to time him.

I told him to go to ....  well, to hurry.

He pulled into the parking lot, left the car running and ran in to get some cough drops for me.

(He was pretty fast for the record.)

I sat in the car, crying quietly.

I felt sorry for myself.

And for him.

And my family.

And this life that was now ours for the living.

Why?

WHY?

why?

He returned with a bag of cough drops and I hung my head in shame, apologizing for being angry.

At him.

And the cancer.

And the cough drops.

He said to forget about it, it was fine.

The cough drops sat alone all day in his backpack.

Because as you read in Story One, I never coughed.

Not one time.

All day long.

I was angry for no reason.

About the cough drops.

But I'm still not very happy about the cancer.

(As noted in Story Two.)

Angels

"Chemo Thursday" went well.

Another 2 pounds GAINED!!!

Gained!  As in going back UP the scales!

Hip Hip Hooray for appetites back and food being eaten.

Kyle's blood work was GREAT in the "main" brackets and for the 

first time ever "off" (a little low) in a few sub-category brackets.

They said the blood work is consistent with chemo and was not bad enough to stop another round of poison chemo from dripping in.

So a full day of dripping was done.

Kyle's coloring went from "Kyle Rough Rugged & Ruddy Red" to "Chemo Chair Greenish Gray" in the usual space of 6 hours.  If you haven't witnessed this yet, stop on by one week, it is quite the sight to behold. 

(Limit 2 visitors at a time...we were naughty and had more yesterday, all day.  Thank you kind visitors and bringers of lunches, snacks, love and friendship!)

We were surrounded, literally and figuratively, by angels all day.

Of the human variety.

Not the winged harp playing kind, just the kind in human form that move around us and look, suspiciously, just like the rest of us.

(Although after 6 hours of chemo, it is QUITE possible Kyle 'saw' the other kind last night in his chemo induced brain fuzz--you never know).

We have angels with....

Red Hair.

Smiles.

Hugs.

Kind Words.

Blond.  Brunette angels too.

Tall.  Thin.

Short. Stocky.

Makes no difference to us what their build is.

We have our very own very mixed bag of angels shuffling around us.

Daily.  

We have dinner making angels.

Prayer angels.

And lunch bringing angels.

The angels of the house cleaning variety.

Child tending/second mother ones.

Anonymous angels.

Organizing angels.

Quiet angels.

Angels that just show up and don't take "no" for an answer.

Angels that call, text and email (they are quite good with modern technology!)

Child angels.

Adult angels.

In the dictionary, it says... 1). that an angel is typically a benevolent, celestial being that acts as an intermediary between heaven and earth.  It also says...2.) that an angel is a kind and lovable person, one who manifests goodness, purity and selflessness.

Lastly it says...3). that an angel is the lowest ranking figure in "celestial hierarchy".

Well, I can agree with the #1 and #2 definitions of angels.

We have seen MANY intermediaries who are acting on behalf of a higher goodness-in whatever form they believe-- of that goodness.

But when it comes to #3, I have to disagree wholeheartedly.

From what we've seen in our life recently (of the quiet, real, human variety of angels walking with us)...you all are definitely

NOT the lowest ranking figures in celestial glory.

In fact, I would say that all of you angels are topping the hierarchy right now.

So no matter what the dictionary, or the "Big Guy" claims--angels are NOT at the bottom of the ranks of heaven.

In fact, we are pretty sure they are roaming the earth daily.

Every day surrounding us.

Doing very human things, in very human form.

They are all of you.

And this is what I've got for today...

A giant "thank you" shout out to all of our non winged, non harp playing angels on earth.

You guys are rocking the celestial hierarchy daily!

Hat Tip to angels on earth.

Carry On!

The group "FUN" sings a song called "Carry On"...

The lyrics to the chorus are as follows:

"If you're lost and alone,
or you're sinking like a stone,
Carry On.
May your past be the sound,
Of your feet upon the ground,
Carry On!

Carry On!
Carry On!
Carry On!"


Some days cancer feels like this...

lost.

alone.

sinking like a stone.

heavy.

But I like that we can move past ALL the bad moments (eventually).

We get up, out of bed,

put our feet upon the ground and 

move forward.

We "Carry On!"

Monday here in Utah was rainy and dreary and both Kyle and I had a bit of the "Cancer Blues."

(It's that "reality" thing that hits so hard some days....

cancer. cancer. cancer.)

Then we met with "our attorney"  (a term we use loosely for
"old friend" helping with things like Power of Attorney and Wills and all that fun stuff.)

Fun. Stuff.

He also happens to be our old Bishop (and now a Stake President)--and besides ANY of those things he is a wonderful human being, and a dear "old" friend.

First and foremost.

He went through all of our hard questions with us and answered them beautifully.  (he REALLY knows his stuff--thank goodness!)

Then I looked at him and said "James, I want to ask you something without your attorney coat on for a minute."

Kyle and I explained some of the ridiculousness we have had said to us regarding trials and why this stuff happens.  This time in particular.

James figuratively took off his "lawyer coat" and put on his "friend coat" and looked at Kyle and after a moment of silence he said....in his kind and quiet way...

(Possibly contemplating how angry I would be *IF* he said the "wrong thing.")  I jest, of course.  Well, sort of.

"Kyle this DID NOT happen to you because you're a bad person that needs to learn a lesson.  This ALSO did NOT happen to you because you're so strong that only you can handle it.  I do not believe that God even "made" this happen to you.  It's NOT a punishment for something you've done wrong, and it's NOT a reward because you've 'lived a good life and to bring you blessings you need'.  It just happened!"  

It.Just.Happened.

(At which point I let out a loud "AMEN" and "Hallelujah!"...And yelled "THANK YOU for validating me!" --after which I sheepishly hung my head, since it was clear he had not yet finished his thought...no seriously though on the "Amen" and "Hallelujah"!)

He then told the story about loosing his OWN father at the tender young age of 5 and what it had meant to him through his life.  (So yes, he "GETS" it.)

He explained how this had changed his life and how it shaped who he became (and again let me say, who he became is SUCH a wonderful human being...his dad would be SO proud!)

He told Kyle that sometimes "life", it JUST HAPPENS, there are JUST "bumps in the road of mortality" and we get to choose how we will react and who we will become when we hit a bump.

(To myself I'm pumping my fist and yelling "YES!" over and over!)

We get to choose if we "Carry On", or not.

Once again, along this journey we found someone to help carry us over a bump in the road.  Someone to love us and strengthen us when the day felt bleak, when the rain was falling and our hearts were faltering.

I made sure to give him an extra big hug on the way out the door.

In some ways this journey has become (...dare I use the word?!)....

Sacred.   (Webster definition 5b : highly valued and important )

And so today, we Carry On.  Our feet placed firmly on the ground
moving towards whatever the future has in store for us.

(which in our case means tomorrow is more chemo!)

We are surrounded somehow(beautifully and wonderfully)by people that are helping to carry us every step of the way.

Sometimes, just when we need them the most and cannot take another step by ourselves.

And don't we ALL have things in life that are hard?  

Heavy days?

Hard moments that knock us down?

A time when we think we just cannot go on?

Hopefully YOU have people in YOUR life that help to carry
the burdens when they become to heavy to bear alone.

So this is what I've got for today...

Carry On.

Carry On.

Carry ON!

Rabbi Harold Kushner on "Why Bad Things Happen..."

If you have an hour PLEASE give this a listen.

THIS is how Kyle and I feel about God and trials.

THIS is "our God".

It is Radio West's podcast with Rabbi Harold Kushner.

It is fabulous.

THIS is a God we can believe in and relate to and love.
One that believes in, and relates to, and loves us.

THIS is a God I can wrap my head around, and not want to run away from....screaming in disbelief. 

THIS is how WE view "why bad things happen..." in our lives.

If you can't get this link to work, copy and paste in your
browser and LISTEN!

(Or GOOGLE "RADIO WEST" and "Rabbi Kushner"...I promise it's worth your time!)

It may not be quite "traditional" to the faith we've always known, or what that faith tradition has tried to teach us our whole lives, but we feel like maybe the good Rabbi is on to something.

It rings true to us.

It "feels" good in our hearts.

It soothes our soul and touches our spirits and makes 
SO MUCH MORE sense than a God up in heaven "doling out really
bad things in people's lives".

We cannot imagine a "Father" like that.

We have felt like this for 21 years, since our first child was stillborn. And people would tell us a different version of why bad things happen and that God WAS a "dole things out so you learn something" kind of God.  And that's how things worked. And try as we might, we could not wrap our heads around that.

We are parents too.

4 kids that we love a lot.

Like a lot, a lot.

And, as parents, we would NEVER "MAKE" a bad thing happen to our children.

But wait...

do bad things happen?  

YES!  All the time as a direct result of mortality and
living this thing we call life.

Natural consequences to our actions, or choices, or even
the choices of others that effect us.

And can we LEARN from the bad things that happen in our lives?

HEAVENS yes!!

We get to choose what we become as a result of those
bad things.

We get to choose if we will be better or worse for the wear
through our life experiences.

Imagine that?!

It's taken til now for us to find it perfectly articulated.

The Rabbi, he makes good sense to us.

God puts people here to act in His name.  People to step in
and lift and strengthen when life hands us the hard stuff.

We've met (many) of those people so far on our journey.

They are golden!

Please listen.  It's not so far off of what ANY of the people I know believe that you will be offended.  

At least I hope not.  It is not meant to offend.

You may like it.

You may learn something new.

You will at least understand how WE feel.

And that's what I've got for today.

LISTEN!


 http://radiowest.kuer.org/post/why-book-job