adieu

Yesterday we had the final meeting for Team Kyle.

I have to say it was EXACTLY what Kyle  
wanted.  He was always the one to walk off the beaten
path in our relationship, step off the trail to 
peek at something, or do a project in his own way.

This played out even until the end with his life/death
with his "not a funeral service".

The talks honored him beautifully. I'm so very
proud of my kids for each taking this assignment from 
their dad on their own and doing a bang up job!

He had great music from Sarah Sample and The Lower
Lights and clapping and smiling at the end.

He would've been so so happy with how it all turned out.

It made me smile and filled my heart with joy (how is
that possible on such a sad day?) 

But it did.

As I reflected on 2014, I'm actually kind of sorry to 
see it go. 

Sure, it was a hard year.

And yes, my husband died.

But it was also filled with some of THEEEE most treasured
and beautiful moments and memories of my entire life.

I would be a fool to throw out the good with the bad
in this case.  My family had a wonderful, wonderful
2014, in spite of ALL the hard and bad.  We were blessed
with each other and love and memories and good friends
and family relationships and many many other things
that greatly enriched our lives.

I will always always look fondly on the time we
shared in 2014 as some of the best times ever with 
the people I love.

I hope we can take some of that joy into our hearts 
as we move forward into 2015.

I have a feeling THIS year will be a much sadder and
harder year for my heart, without Kyle.

Thank you all who came and loved and supported and 
lifted us yesterday. 

Thank you to SO many who wore their Superman shirts--
it was the best thing to see as I looked out over
the audience.

Seriously awesome!

Thank you all for so much kindness on our behalf.

So as we say adieu to 2014, my hope is for some joy
in the midst of grief as we move forward to 2015.

And that's what I've got for today.

When Sadness Comes....

My sister sent this to me.
It's perfectly perfect.

This is what Kyle was trying to say in his post
a while back, the one about feeling the feelings.

The one about embracing the pain and letting it 
help us instead of pretending it doesn't exist.

This says it so well....

I will gladly hold the sadness (not FOREVER, but for 
a while) and I will embrace it--the only way
to the other side is through all of this.

I miss him so much.  So very very much.
My heart aches with sadness and I'm glad it does
for it reminds me of the love we shared.

Thank you for so many many many many countless 
acts of kindness done for, and to, and with, and on behalf
of my family.  

From the bottom of our broken hearts,
We Thank You All.

-------------------------------

When sadness comes, hold it lightly.

We desperately want to change it, fix it, make it stop. “Go Away,” we scream, 

“there’s no place for you here!”

We ask, “Why?” We wonder what’s the matter with us. We judge. We gripe. 

We wring our hands looking for the answer, the key to never feeling this way again.

We think we have no right to sadness and frantically remake our gratitude lists hoping 

they will sear the sadness right out of us.

Our plan of attack is to numb, duck and hide with food, friends, lovers, running, wine,

 more self-care, mothering, fixing, doing, working, should do‘s and have to‘s. 

All weapons drawn to freeze the sadness out. Ramparts erected around our hearts to 

protect against invasion.

And still, sadness finds us. It pulls up a seat and makes a home in the center of our being.

To figure it out, to make it disappear, feels impossible and imperative. 

Instead, we must hold it gently.

No fixing, no denying, no “I shouldn’t be feeling this way because I have so much.”

Life is not linear or binary. 

You’re allowed to have a sparkling good life and still feel sad.

Sadness is not a reflection of who you ARE. It’s simply an expression of your current experience.

Hold sadness lightly, then question, “What’s for lunch?” Hold it softly and plan a dinner.

Watch it walk across your chest then ask a friend, “What can I do to help you today?”

Sit in the sadness and go for a walk, talk it out, cry till your eyes turn red, read a book, pull your hair, dance, draw a warm bath.

Let yourself feel it all and watch it wash up, over and through you.

 If given room to move, it will not lodge itself in you.

Sadness is not a permanent state, yet when judged and ignored, that’s exactly what it becomes. 

We are multi-emotional beings. To try and only be happy is to deny our essence.

Sadness comes and it goes on its own accord. Our only job is to let it. 

When sadness arrives, let it have a place by the hearth in your heart and ask it how long 

it’s looking to stay.

Hold it lightly. Speak to it tenderly. Hold it with incredible love. 

Hold it with the door open to let it come and go as it will, knowing that your life is 

still moving forward.

Hold it, without the need to change it, and then watch as it does.

The Final Meeting for Team Kyle

Just a little update for those that are the planning type. Kyle's last meeting for Team Kyle, his memorial service, will be held this coming Weds. Dec, 31 at the The Garden Place Building at Heritage Park, 2601 E. Sunnyside Ave, SLC, UT at 10 A.M.

His obituary will run in the local papers (the Deseret News and the Salt Lake Trib) on

Sunday Dec. 28.

The services will be a little different, but it will be ALL Kyle. We will be graced to have the lovely Sarah Sample and some of the Lower Lights sings for him (and us) and a service honoring Kyle. Mark your calendars and come celebrate the life of this great man. Thanks for all the kind words, I'm sure I haven't read half of them.

Much Love, Dor and kids

**PS!!! Kyle wanted people to dress how they felt comfortable. If you have a favorite Superman tee you want to wear to honor him (or superman socks or whatever) come in that! If you want to wear a suit or skirt with you superman attire, come in that. He did ask that you at LEAST wear some brightly colored tie, or bright shirt or something colorful, instead of all black to honor him***********

(Now what else have i forgotten?)

The Longest Night

And then the universe rent, ripping apart
at the seams, and with it ours.

And when his soul slipped through the crack it made, 
it stole pieces of us to take with him.

And it pulled us to the other side with him, 
leaving a giant hole in our hearts.

We, the people who loved him most.



In most loving memory of our beloved Superman, 
Kyle Nielson,
who passed away on  Wednesday December 24, 2014
at 3:35 PM.

Our hearts are full because we loved you.
You will be so so missed by so very many.

Update

It's 3:30 am on Monday December 22. Its 3 days before Christmas and I'm sitting in the hospital on a hard chair next to Kyle listening to him snore. When normally I would tell him to "shush", this morning the sounds of him snoring are comfort to my ears.

I have been silent on an update for a few days since so much was happening and we were digesting it all moment by moment.

On Friday Kyle was admitted to the ER with a whole series of new complications --- his list of possible things waiting to snatch him from us has grown considerably. And yet, here he is, still snoring by me. 

The long snd short of it is that he's been admitted to die -- it doesn't get any easier to say so I'll just say it. They stopped any treatments other than pain meds and fluids and I am pretty sure all bets were that he would be gone by now if you asked the drs. 

These past few days have been sacred and beautiful in a way i cannot describe (and tender and heart wrenching) but mostly beautiful -- however impossible that seems. 

So if we miss a text or don't return a call, you know why . We are holding him and each other closely as family and ask that this time be respected for us. 

Thanks to so many for loving and caring and carrying us. 

We shall see now what today brings us.... Only the morning will tell. 

Much love - all of our family

Apologies

This is Kyle.

Apparently my blog (and yes it was MY blog
that my wife "wrote" for me, with MY feelings
from 6 months ago when a friend died) the one from
Sunday called "The Thing Is...." really offended 
people.

I apparently I offended people
near and far with what I wrote.

Apparently people interpreted that we 
were ungrateful with ALL the good and kind
things that had been done for us during the 
past 21 months.

We are EXTREMELY grateful.

I was only trying to talk about 
feeling the pain.

And honoring that part of this journey for us.

So I (Kyle) and me (Dorien as well)
are EXTREMELY sorry for the offense this
blog post caused.

We all need to remember that we all
grieve differently and what comforts 
one of us may not comfort the other.

And we all need to respect that.

So my (our) sincerest apologies for 
any offense we have caused and all the
heartache and pain.

I truly love ALL of you and all of the kind
things that have been done, and appreciate
that endlessly.

We try our best to be grateful but it's hard
to always "THANK" enough--Sometimes its hard
to thank so many people for so many things
without missing someone.  Sometimes
we don't even know WHO to thank for the good
things that have been done.  So to NOT be
grateful???  

That is NOT our intent at all.  

And so if we've missed
you (and thus offended you) just know we're
also trying our best.

Love and Respect,
Kyle (and Dorien)

The business of dying....

We spent all morning with Kyle up at the Huntsman.

His numbers were pitiful really.

He is severely dehydrated.

They loaded him up with fluid and anti-nausea to
help him be more comfortable and then sent
him home on hospice.

I don't have anything really good to say about
this but just wanted to get the word out
as quickly and easily as I could.

So here it is.

No, we don't know how long Kyle has--it's 
anyone's guess honestly. 

He could have a few days and go fast or he could
battle it out a few more weeks.  If we could 
be in business of predicting, we would be very
rich folk indeed.

Instead, we are in the business of dying, and 
it will come when it comes at whatever pace it
decides to take him.

*($&($@!())@@!** (<<That says F cancer)

Thanks for all the love and support.

And that's what I've got for today.