Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Stuck & Learning

We passed some pretty Big Milestones last month.

Father's Day and the 6 month mark since Kyle died.

They were pretty hard if I do say so myself and
lots of tears were shed and lots of tissues were used.

But here we are, still moving forward.
And believe me when I say that some days 
that is SHOCKING to me.

We are rounding the corner into the 2nd half 
of the first year without him.  

Sometimes I wonder why we put so much emphasis on time, 
and dates, and days, as a way of measuring how far 
we've come, and our grief.

But we do.

I suppose it's natural to keep track of time
in tick marks, showing us how many baby steps
we've taken forward in our journey.

I have watched some of my CC wives move forward
with dating and new love and even marriage, yet
I feel "stuck" here missing my husband.

I am happy for them, but not yet ready to take
those steps myself.

Even as I LONG for the companionship I once had,
I am not ready to welcome it into my life. 
(Is it even a choice?  I don't know)

For I may be alone for the rest of my life-
Certainly I cannot predict the future.

I'm stuck, but not in a bad way I don't think.

Stuck, as in "I'm healing and learning who I am" kind of way.

Listen, I was Kyle's wife for 24 years, and I've been
the mother of my children for 21.  It's been a LONG time
since I concentrated on finding out who *I* am.

Me, Dorien.

You would think at 39 (ahem-who am I kidding?
I'm way past 39!)  I would already know who that was.  

But lets be honest. 

I don't.

Should I?  

I don't even know anymore.

I like to push back at the notion that we as human being
are ONLY complete and happy when we are with someone else, 
and I like to think that it's important to be whole 
and complete with OURSELVES first before we offer what 
we have to anyone else.

Shouldn't we be able to be happy alone too?

With our own selves and our own company and our own friends?

Don't get me wrong, I LOVED being married.  It was both
good and hard.  There was nothing better than having a 
built in best friend at all times, even during the days
that we did not like each other very much.

I miss that part of my life tremendously.
Wholly. With great aching and longing.

Kyle and I often spoke of what would happen if one or the
other died young, before it became a fact that indeed one
of us would.

We BOTH supported the idea of finding a new friend
to continue our lives with.  The thought of raising 4
kids alone, and being alone...was well, lonely.

Laying in bed at night alone, solving problems
alone, making decisions alone?  

ALL lonely.

And as much as my heart longs for human connection, 
I find that I must heal myself first.  I must give myself
sufficient time to grieve and heal. I must become confident
in who I am, me.

Not me, the wife of Kyle.

Not me, the mother of 4 children.

Just me.


And I am finding that is more complicated than I once 
thought.  It will require patience and lots of 
working through the pain and sadness in my heart.

Trying to discover exactly what it is I am meant
to do and who it is that I am meant to be.

And so my family and myself continue forward.

EACH of us trying to rediscover who we are now
that the center of our universe has gone away and left
us to continue on our own.

We are, all 5 of us, digging deep and finding a new
center, and claiming who we are as we travel this
mortal life onward.

So while we may be stuck, missing and longing and
loving that human we called our husband and father--we 
are also learning and growing and stretching ourselves.

It's a process.

And that's what I've got for today.


  1. I do know after loosing my dad 21 years ago that even after years sometimes things will pop up and take my breath away without warning. It happens less than it did at first but I don't think it ever goes away. The first year is really hard though. I hope whatever you "find" in your self is a pleasant surprise and that life brings many good things.

  2. Dorien, I don't know if you remember me. We served in the same mission together, Kyle and I. I was overwhelmed to know that your husband and a dear friend and companion of mine had passed away. Our dear brother and friend your husband affected me in ways that only a person such as he had. I ask that you please contact me. Through my email I have a few wonderful pictures of your husband from our mission. That I am sure you and your children would live to have. Plus some beautiful letters that he wrote me in the mission field. He saved me from suicide. I will always be greatful to him for that. My heart is heavy that my friend your beautiful husband is not here for me to thank. But I know he knows now. I am no longer a member of the church but believe in my Lord and Saviour Jesus. This I will always believe. It was Kyle who helped me see this at some of my darkest moments. Please contact me. Adam Gardner.

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