Flip Flop

I have thought long and hard about how to write
this post.

It has been a few weeks of many ups and downs in our
household.

In my wildest dreams I am not sure I could have
ever predicted all the changes that have come
to my family in the year 2013.

Nor would I have wanted to, if I were predicting.

It will definitely be one for the record books.

I'm not sure WHAT kind of record books, but 
a record book for sure.

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This past week brought some more new changes.

Kyle permanently left his job and will be
moving toward Long Term Disability.

We knew this change was happening at some point,
and while it is a little sooner than anticipated,
it is part of our new reality.

That "cancer reality".

This change presents some new challenges in our
family, life, finances and future and will
require of us to FLIP FLOP the roles of traditional
"mother" and "father" from here on out.

Fortunately Kyle is ALREADY a good "mother" figure.
ME?  I'm not such a great "father" figure, I will
start working on that.

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Kyle will now be the "stay at home dad", while
I transition into the "primary breadwinner" role.

This role carries an extra heavy burden for me
right now since I haven't got a job that will 
fill the gap as of yet.

I DO have a part time job with the school 
district, but the pay falls somewhere between 
lousy and rotten 
and they offer no benefits to part time employees.
Ever. At all.

So while it is a job, it doesn't solve some of 
the more important problems in our life right now.

Nor have I finished my schooling, yet.

Thus my plea for a full time job with benefits
in a previous post.

I need to find something that will fill the gap
for my family and provide us with a stable income
year round and some good health benefits.

--------------------------------

In the long run, it will be good to start
transitioning through some of these things while
Kyle is still feeling "good enough" to help
with calls and looking and paperwork and kids.

And dinner making.  And house cleaning.
Oh wait!  Kyle already helps with those things.

It will make things easier for us to be "settled"
in our new "life style" before things get REALLY
hard and he gets "sicker".

It will make things easier for me to make
the adjustment NOW to carrying a bigger portion
of the load in our home, for it IS the 
responsibility I will carry alone at some point.

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In other news, radioembolization has been denied
by our insurance.  We were told by Huntsman that this
is standard procedure and the doctors will meet
before a board to discuss and review Kyle's case
at which point it is USUALLY approved.

Fingers crossed for this.

We are hoping for approval so that we can move
forward with this next treatment plan.

----------------------------

So this Monday, I will head to work and Kyle
will go back on a few rounds of chemo until
the next procedure is approved.

He will go alone, which just about breaks my
heart in two that I cannot be with him.

Again, this is going to be our "new normal"
among a whole subset of "new normals" in a whole
year of "new normals" that I would never have 
predicted in a million years.

Some days I really really really HATE
"new normal!"
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Things in our house hold are flip flopping.

Changes are happening fast and furious.

Sometimes I lay on my back lawn, spread eagle,
and feel the autumn sun on my back and weep
and weep and weep like a big fat baby.

And then I pull myself up, sure that I have
laid in some spot where Ruby the Doodle has peed,
I brush grass clipping off of my face and clothes,
and I head inside to blow my nose.

Because as hard as this is, and as unbelievable
as our life has become in many ways, we will NOT
quit.

We will not give up.  We will fight and fight 
until there is nothing left to fight for.

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And that my friends?  That's what I've got for today.
A long overdue update on our life.