Numb

Last night our new reality hit me very hard.

I just sat and cried and cried.

Josh told me it was okay (what else could he say? 
except that perhaps I am a crazy lunatic....which is 
ALSO the honest truth)

Grace sat and held me for I don't know how long.
And let tears pour down my face and sobs release
from my body and anguish spill from my heart.

We have had a steady stream of visitors, people who 
love Kyle and want to say "good-bye".

It's been a long, hard, good, uplifting, terrible,
frightening, rewarding, positive, awful week.

Yes, it has been all of those things.

And more.

We are so utterly and completely overwhelmed at ALL
the acts of kindness being done for our family.

This is your "THANK YOU" ...you have been warned that it
is entirely impossible to write a personal thank you to
everyone, even though I would love to, I don't have the
time or energy to do so.

I hope you will forgive me.

My mother always taught writing "Thank You's" was a must.
And it pains me not to do so.

-----------------------

Today Dr Sharma was back in the office after 3 weeks
in India and a week of personal illness.

He confirmed the ugly truth we heard last week 
and said Kyle had "4-6 weeks left."

His liver and kidneys and body have had enough.

Damn this cancer to hell for stealing my 46 year old
husband and the father of our 4 children.  

Of course, Kyle could take a hideous turn for the worse
and die Friday (which we pray isn't the case)
OR he could last a bit longer than "4-6 weeks".

There are obviously no "exacts" with this whole dying 
business.  But this is where we are headed, no ifs,
ands or buts about it now.

Kyle had a lot of tears in the office today and he made
up for the ones I had last night.

My heart feels like it is literally splitting open--
and so more often then not I slam it shut and become numb.

It is entirely too painful to feel, all of this, all
of the time.

----------------------------

I believe if we had one wish, one prayer, one thing
we would sell our souls for, it would be that Kyle
makes it past Christmas, so that we don't have the pain
and anguish of reliving his death every year at Christmas.

I cannot imagine a worse fate, although I do believe we
have very little choice in the matter...and so what 
will be, will be.

------------------------------

We thank you all again for such an outpouring of kindness
to our family.  

Love, it truly is what makes the world go 'round.

That's what we've got people, that's what we've
got for today.