Speaking of Vomit...

Can you see that dog down below?

That is Ruby.

Ruby is our Doodle.  

A goldendoodle to be exact.

(A cross between a poodle and a golden retriever

with the GREAT personality to match the cute face.)

She is the life force of our home.

This is coming from someone who was begged to, coerced,

pleaded with, whined to and yelled at to get a dog

for over 10 years.

Me.

I caved.

Note:  It took me TEN years to cave.

But I love this dog none the less.

In fact, dare I say I adore her?

I do.

DO NOT let her cute furry face fool you.

DO NOT let her silly puppy ways win you over.

Today, while I was cleaning the kitchen

Grace yelled "EMERGENCY!!!!" from the basement.

Now usually this is a secret code word for "SPIDER!"

I don't do spiders.

What I do DO, is stand in the corner screaming 

like a teenage girl yelling for my 10 year old 

to come kill it.

I know, shamelessly I admit this for all to know.

I should be humiliated, but alas I am not.

I hate spiders.  (And rats and mice in case you 

were wondering, because I know you are!)

In any event, I assumed the cry of 'Emergency' from 

the basement had something to do with an 8 legged friend.

It did not.

It had to do with a 4 legged friend named Ruby the Doodle.

She had thrown up.

Here's another thing you may not know about me.

I DON'T DO THROW UP ...either.

I kid you not.

I just cannot do it.  Being around it makes me gag.

It makes me sweat.  It makes me, well, want to vomit!

22 years of marriage and Kyle has cleaned up ALL

throw up that has crossed our path.

He is a good good good good good man.

For that fact alone?? 

He will make it to heaven.

Period.

(You can relax now honey, you've got it made!)

You may think I'm kidding when I say what I say next,

you may un-follow my blog, you may never want to meet

me in person, you may unfriend me on Facebook,

you may think I am the most horrible

person you know, you may, you might, you could, you 

should, you will.

But that vomit will sit in the basement corner until,

A) Ruby decides to eat it (some dogs do you know)

or

B) Kyle comes home.  (He's helping a friend with

a remodel today, so I'm not sure WHEN he's coming home)

Hey listen, the kitchen is clean top to 

bottom, the last load of laundry was started and 

the dishes are done.  We are clean, we like clean,

we like tidy, we like organized.  I wouldn't be

embarrassed to have any of  you over to my home

RIGHT NOW!  (Although I would steer you clear of

the basement and say something like, 'The kids

are really messy, you don't want to go down there!')

I will do A LOT of things people, but I will

NOT CLEAN UP VOMIT!! (or kill spiders, and I

run from rats and steer clear of mice...I guess I'm

a wimp!)

Speaking of vomit, I think I may have to go 

throw up now.

Have a great Saturday, because that's what I've

got for today.

And in case you're wondering (and I know you are) the dog
still hasn't eaten it and Kyle is not home yet.

ARGHHHHHH!!!!!

We are not taking visitors today!

Come back tomorrow! ;)






UPDATE:  I'm going to heaven
now too.  I didn't want Kyle 
to be alone when the time comes, 
so I DID IT!  I freaking did it!
I cleaned up my 'first throw up'.  
And I only gagged three times 
and dry heaved once.

Just don't call me for spiders.
I can only tackle one new thing
at a time.

I'm pretty sure I deserve an 
award or something.  Anything?
What have you got people?

Now I'm REALLY off to throw up.

Better Out Than In

I always say.

Especially when it comes to emotions.

Sometimes when they all come spewing out,
I call it emotional vomit.

That's what it feels like.

Vomit.  Foul, awful, disgusting.

But necessary to the better end of healing.

Purge.  

Regroup.

The beauty of my openness and blogging
is that it allows us to connect with other
people going through this fight in their lives.

The tragedy of my openness and blogging
is that it allows us to connect with other
people going through this fight in their lives.

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Honestly.

I treasure the people who have reached out to us.
I treasure the fact that they reach.
I treasure the fact that they share.
I treasure the fact that they reassure us
we are not alone.

But I hate it that bad news comes with the good.

Today I received a message from one of my
'new friends'.

She told me that heaven had gained one more angel.

And I think, "Damn it!  How many angels does heaven 
need?"  This angel was younger than Kyle with a
passel of small children.

My heart split wide open and I immediately 
broke down in tears.

The big ugly nasty kind of tears.

The raising my fists to heaven kind of cry.

I'm not very good at taking this kind of stuff
lying down.  I feel better if I rage for a moment or two.

Vomit.

Purge.

Regroup.

Story of my life.

This kind of thing is WORTH the rage.

The why oh why oh why kind of cry.

Texas, I cry with you today.

I honor the fight of a woman I never met.

I honor her family and small children.

My heart has one more notch in it from the pain 
and heart ache that come with my sadness for
this person I do not know, and never met.

Simply via stories exchanged over the airways.

Today I have a minute of quiet to reflect on 
the things that life gives us.

The shocking jolts that blindside us unexpectedly
on our path through time.

I tip my figurative hat to all those fighting
the good fight.

I touch my fingertips with my lips and blow
a kiss, lightly, south toward Texas.

Love is coming to you from Utah.

And that's what I've got for today.

Off to find a Kleenex. 

Perspective

I will be the first to admit that the mountain we

have in front of us seems IMPOSSIBLE to get over.

Or through.

Or around.

However you want to look at it.

But it's still there.

In many ways it is unbelievable to me that my

husband has terminal cancer.

Or even cancer at all.

Unbelievable.

I believed it more 5 3/4 months ago when he felt

like death every day.  When he could barely move

or work or eat.  When the only thing he wanted to

do was sleep.  When he had to lay down on the couch

one Saturday after trying to clean 'his bathrooms'

because he had no energy left to move.  When he

couldn't push a lawnmower to mow the grass.

When he would go to bed everyday at 9 p.m. and sleep

and sleep.  When he coughed and threw up and had

night sweats.  When he was sick.  When he had fevers.

Nope.  It doesn't feel real to me right now.

He seems fine.

He seems pretty darn good.

We like fine.

We like pretty darn good.

The only place I can 'see' his cancer right now

is around his eyes.  He has dark circles there

that were never there before.

They like to remind us that, yes,

he still DOES have cancer.

(thank you very much)

He sleeps pretty good.  He feels better than

pretty good.  He works full time.  He eats.  He

cleans bathrooms.  He mows the lawn.  He is 

practically his old self.  

We really like his 'old self'.

Save it for chemo days and PET scans and doctor visits

and bloodwork and Huntsman visits,

you would hardly even know what was lurking inside

his body.

The chemo is doing its job.  We like LOVE that

it's doing its job.  We are glad, grateful, happy,

thrilled, joyful, ecstatic, jubilant, giddy, 

thankful, tickled pink and relieved.

Dare I say we even like LOVE chemo?

Well I'm not sure Kyle would say he like/loves 

chemo, but he would for sure say he LIKE/LOVES

that its doing its job.

We can all agree on that.

Sometimes when we lay at night talking...

(always with the night talking, is this when all

spouses discuss life?  When they should be sleeping?)

...we marvel at what still waits for us ahead.

The time frame is unknown and I sometimes like to

have (frequent) panic attacks (figurative at this

point and not yet literal) about the future,

and all the hard things that are waiting out there.

My very own personal list of 'things to do' is long.

It makes me weary when I think of all the 

check marks that must be made.

I have to remind myself this thing will be a

day at a time.  I don't have to do it all now.

This is a good reminder for me, but one I have a 

hard time listening to.

I don't like 'unknown.' 

I like planned out.

I like mapped out.

I like knowing what to expect.

This whole 'not knowing' thing is for the birds.

A whole flock of seagulls or murder of crows,

or even a parliament of owls!  (Hows that?)

But not for me.  It ruffles my feathers.

(I couldn't resist sticking with the bird metaphor

for one more sentence, forgive me while I digress.)

I have to remind myself it's all about keeping

things in perspective.

Why is that so hard?

It doesn't change anything.

It won't eliminate any outcomes.

It won't magically fix a thing.

But it is useful to look at all we have come through,

and all we have done so far, so that we may

continue to take strides into the future.

Hopefully the past and the present give us courage

to face the future.  And that strength propels

us forward yet again.

I'm all for a good 'breakdown and cry day'. 

Oh don't get me wrong.  

They are the very bread of life.

The elixir of good (mental) health.  

The release that makes continuation possible.

Anyone that tells you otherwise is a fool, 

or lying.

So today what I have is a Pep Talk for myself,

as I try and bite off more and more things that

are making me stretch and grow in new, and sometimes

very painful and hard, ways.

Keep your perspective.  Remember a day at a time.

Breath in and out.  Cry when you need to.  Pick 

yourself up when you don't want to.  Hug your children.

Love your husband.  Keep hoping when you can't seem

to find any left inside yourself.  Remember people

love you, your husband, and your family.  

Oh ya, 

and 'Eye of the Tiger' and all that jazz.

For today, we've got this.

That's what I've got.

I hate to quantify or qualify kindness

Since SO MANY kind, and nice,

things have been done for us.

And for my kids.

And for me.

But PERHAPS, just perhaps, this is my 

favorite gift to date.

It is a hand stamped necklace which says something

along the lines of "F CANCER".  (but sort of says it

like, "Cancer, it pisses me off".  In French.)

Either way, right?

Ya, it pretty much made my day and I'm never

taking it off.

Ever.

To the woman after my own heart?

Thank you for this.

It warms mine.

(Heart, that is)

I don't have much for today, 

but this sure MADE my day!

Only Human

This is my beautiful family.

I love them more than life itself.

I hate that this "Big Thing" has come into
our lives to change it forever.

Both for good, and for bad.

But...

we are just one more family, in the sea of thousands
of families, fighting that thing called Cancer.

We are not super heroes.

We are not super human.

We are just regular people trying our hardest 
not to break.

Trying our hardest.

Some days we feel a little broken.

Some days are super hard.

Some days the little things that never used to
overwhelm us, DO.

We are, after all, only human.

That's what I've got.

Today.

Three Fifths

 Today at Casa di Nielson, the girls went back to school.

That's 3/5 of us so far.

Josh starts Monday at the U.

I start Sept. 16 and officially registered today.

HOLY CRAP!  I am going back to college.
Can I do this?  Seriously HOLY CRAP!

(I have to follow a strict course outline the first year
and do not get to PICK what I take.  They ease us
slowly back into school and studying. I am pretty
nervous after being away for 20 (!!!!) years.

(Dang!  I'm old!)

This summer was pretty much the fastest summer in
human history.  I swear it was YESTERDAY that we got
out of school for the summer.

I am pretty sad it's all over.  I always miss
my kids when they go back.  This fall is especially
hard.  We had some good family times this summer
and it was really nice to have nowhere to go and
nothing to do and just be together for so many days.

But they're excited!

 Ruby the doodle wanted 'in' on the back to 

school pictures.  Isn't she cute?

Grace*Eliza*Olivia

Ruby VERY sad and missing her people.

She's watching out the window for them to

come home.  I feel your pain Ruby, I feel you pain!

Fight To The Finish 5K

When Kyle was first diagnosed his friend Anne Smith

(who had a son pass away from liver cancer last year)

came to our house with A Giving Tree and a hug for us.

Talk about a sweet lady.  She is made of syrup. (In

a good way.)  If you know Miss Denise (our neighborhood

peeps), you know Ann.

The Giving Tree was made possible by the foundation

"Anything For A Friend".  It was a little ray of sunshine

during some very dark days. 

It was tied with Gift Cards, a small amount of money

(to do "fun things") and some messages of hope.

When Ann's son, Tyler,  was diagnosed his theme and 

mantra with his liver cancer became "Fight To The Finish."

And fight he did.

Given something like 6 months to live, he fooled everyone

and stuck around for about 14 months.

Ann, wanting to do something in his honor, decided this

year to start a 5K race.

All race profits would benefit Anything For a Friend

and Giving Trees.  (which are taken to as many cancer

patients as possible upon diagnosis).

They expected around 200 people to show up and had

a crowd nigh unto 1500 people.

Each group of people was dressed in colored "FTTF"

T Shirts. 

Team Kyle was "Superman Blue."  We had about 38 people

show up in support of cancer and fighting cancer and

this AMAZING charity organization.

The words spoken before the event brought tears to my

eyes.  And many other eyes as well.

The race honored those who had passed on before and those

who were "in the fight of their lives."  (Yup, that line

did my under!)

I was SO happy and thrilled to a part of something 

so much larger than myself.

Our entire family participated.  4 kids woke up at 5:45

to be in Ogden on time.  Many extended family, and 

friends of family, gave up a few

hours of their day on Saturday to support this cause.

We are SO grateful for your support!

A carload of Kyle's work associates piled in a car 

and drove up to run.

A few of Josh's friends (our "extra" sons) drove up

early on a Saturday morning to support Team Kyle and 

this cause as well.

We are THRILLED that so many showed up and that money

was raised to help people in the coming year.

We hope to be back next year as well.

It was a great day.  A fun crowd and an inspiring event.

Along with Tyler, Kyle is planning on "Fighting

to The Finish" as well.  *#(&@(^# Cancer!  (always)

Cancer is an ugly ugly thing.  A dark blanket in an 

otherwise good world.  A gnawing ache in my heart.

And the many hearts it touches.

BUT cancer is also a beautiful thing. (isn't it crazy

I typed that?)  The goodness and service and kindness

that I've seen spring from this hideous ugly disease

is beyond anything I've ever seen before in my life.

And that's what I've got for today~

 Grace took this shot and won first place

in the photography contest at the race for it.

A new pair of wireless earbuds.  Way to go Gray!

 Along the 5K race path there were pictures of

each person in the fight with cancer.  Some of

them had lost their battles, and some were still

fighting.  Kyle with his Team Kyle picture.

 Team Kyle....flipping the bird.  Would you expect

anything less? (It's sort of become our symbol)

We say "cancer", you say "flip!"  Kyle's 89 year

young Grandma came to support as well.  

Jack Josh Grace Tanner and Kyle.

Basically our children.  Real ones and a few spares.

Kyle and his work ladies.  Thanks so much for your

support Olympus Clinic employees.  It sure meant

A LOT to Kyle to have you come and show support

for not only a great cause, but for him as well.

Getting Schooled

Shhhh.

Wait!

NO Seriously, BE QUIET!

I've got something to tell you.

Zip it.

I like to make this blog about ME as much as possible.

Since MY HUSBAND is the one with cancer and all.

The latest News Flash from Casa Di Nielson
is that the Old Lady is going back to school this fall.

The Old Lady would be ME, in case that is a question
in anyone's mind. 

Gulp.

Lets take a look at what this means.

Josh, college at the U of U.

Grace, Jr in High School.

Eliza, Jr High School.  
She has been found, fixed and paid for.
I wish ALL my problems were that easy to fix right now.

Olivia, elementary school.  The "big" 5th G.

And ME?  I'm officially accepted into the BYU-I
online degree program called "Pathway".

It's for dumb old people people like me that never finished
(or started) college that want to go back.

Here are a few of the PRO's:

1. Cost.  $65 a credit hour vs. $200-ish at the U (I had
also been accepted at the U, but it was either Josh or me.
Couldn't afford both.)  Once I'm in, I get to keep the
$65 credit/hour price the entire time I'm finishing my 
degree.  That is a HUGE cost savings.  Do the math.  HUGE!

2.  Online.  The entire degree program (fully accredited)
is done via online classes.  The entire thing.  I can do
it from home.  I can do it when Kyle is still good (now), I
can do it when he gets not so good.  This is huge in
being able to be flexible.  Flexible is a VERY good thing
with an uncertain future.  Ours is about as uncertain as
things get.

3.  Time.  I have 8 years to complete it once I start without
being "penalized" or loosing any credits.  This means I can
go strong while time is good.  This also means that if I need
to drop out for a semester (or two) to nurse the Sick Guy, I
can.  And I can go back when that part is done.  I told
Kyle it would be great if he stuck around to see me graduate.

4. I think I only have 1, 2, and 3 for now.  They are 
pretty good numbers.

At the moment I can see no CONS, other than that it will
take me a little longer to finish college--but that's 
okay right now.  That is OKAY!  Time will still pass and
I will (some how) still finish.

My checklist is slowly getting checked off, a little at a time.

I feel overwhelmed and a little scared, but we are doing
this a step at a time.

Now to find a good part time flexible job.  My goal would
be to still attend chemo sessions with the Big Guy.  I never
get this time back, so I want to do as much with him as I
can...but I think it's time to find a job.  Money and 
experience are very good things right now.  And insurance.
And well, lots of things.

So if anyone hears of anything--keep this lady in mind!

Starting this fall? 5 out of the 6 Nielsons will be in 
school.  WOW!  I would've never thought this is where I
would be right now in my life.  (In so many ways.)

It may also be time for some anti-anxiety drugs for me.

Some days the stress of ALL of this is over whelming.

Baby Steps Dor, baby steps!  

That's what I've got for today.

Oh and Kyle? He's doing good---just in case anyone
wants to know! ;)