Perspective

I will be the first to admit that the mountain we

have in front of us seems IMPOSSIBLE to get over.

Or through.

Or around.

However you want to look at it.

But it's still there.

In many ways it is unbelievable to me that my

husband has terminal cancer.

Or even cancer at all.

Unbelievable.

I believed it more 5 3/4 months ago when he felt

like death every day.  When he could barely move

or work or eat.  When the only thing he wanted to

do was sleep.  When he had to lay down on the couch

one Saturday after trying to clean 'his bathrooms'

because he had no energy left to move.  When he

couldn't push a lawnmower to mow the grass.

When he would go to bed everyday at 9 p.m. and sleep

and sleep.  When he coughed and threw up and had

night sweats.  When he was sick.  When he had fevers.

Nope.  It doesn't feel real to me right now.

He seems fine.

He seems pretty darn good.

We like fine.

We like pretty darn good.

The only place I can 'see' his cancer right now

is around his eyes.  He has dark circles there

that were never there before.

They like to remind us that, yes,

he still DOES have cancer.

(thank you very much)

He sleeps pretty good.  He feels better than

pretty good.  He works full time.  He eats.  He

cleans bathrooms.  He mows the lawn.  He is 

practically his old self.  

We really like his 'old self'.

Save it for chemo days and PET scans and doctor visits

and bloodwork and Huntsman visits,

you would hardly even know what was lurking inside

his body.

The chemo is doing its job.  We like LOVE that

it's doing its job.  We are glad, grateful, happy,

thrilled, joyful, ecstatic, jubilant, giddy, 

thankful, tickled pink and relieved.

Dare I say we even like LOVE chemo?

Well I'm not sure Kyle would say he like/loves 

chemo, but he would for sure say he LIKE/LOVES

that its doing its job.

We can all agree on that.

Sometimes when we lay at night talking...

(always with the night talking, is this when all

spouses discuss life?  When they should be sleeping?)

...we marvel at what still waits for us ahead.

The time frame is unknown and I sometimes like to

have (frequent) panic attacks (figurative at this

point and not yet literal) about the future,

and all the hard things that are waiting out there.

My very own personal list of 'things to do' is long.

It makes me weary when I think of all the 

check marks that must be made.

I have to remind myself this thing will be a

day at a time.  I don't have to do it all now.

This is a good reminder for me, but one I have a 

hard time listening to.

I don't like 'unknown.' 

I like planned out.

I like mapped out.

I like knowing what to expect.

This whole 'not knowing' thing is for the birds.

A whole flock of seagulls or murder of crows,

or even a parliament of owls!  (Hows that?)

But not for me.  It ruffles my feathers.

(I couldn't resist sticking with the bird metaphor

for one more sentence, forgive me while I digress.)

I have to remind myself it's all about keeping

things in perspective.

Why is that so hard?

It doesn't change anything.

It won't eliminate any outcomes.

It won't magically fix a thing.

But it is useful to look at all we have come through,

and all we have done so far, so that we may

continue to take strides into the future.

Hopefully the past and the present give us courage

to face the future.  And that strength propels

us forward yet again.

I'm all for a good 'breakdown and cry day'. 

Oh don't get me wrong.  

They are the very bread of life.

The elixir of good (mental) health.  

The release that makes continuation possible.

Anyone that tells you otherwise is a fool, 

or lying.

So today what I have is a Pep Talk for myself,

as I try and bite off more and more things that

are making me stretch and grow in new, and sometimes

very painful and hard, ways.

Keep your perspective.  Remember a day at a time.

Breath in and out.  Cry when you need to.  Pick 

yourself up when you don't want to.  Hug your children.

Love your husband.  Keep hoping when you can't seem

to find any left inside yourself.  Remember people

love you, your husband, and your family.  

Oh ya, 

and 'Eye of the Tiger' and all that jazz.

For today, we've got this.

That's what I've got.