An Ending of Sorts,,,

Today is the 3 month mark since Kyle died.

It's crazy to me the way time has warped in and out 

of itself.  

Bending and folding and moving forward, carrying us 

with it every single day.

For this entire journey I've used this blog

as a platform for my feelings, Kyle's story,

and a journal of sorts.

It has been cathartic and therapeutic.

I have touched people and offended people 

all in the same post.

(That takes great talent I'll have you know!)

In the past few days I have felt like his journey,

while it will continue to unfold forever in a million

different ways in the ripples and imprints his children 

will have on the world, is done.

The story of the evil cancer, and all that came 

to pass because of it, has finished.

The story now unfolds in a new way for all of us.

It is about new challenges and fresh starts

and beginning again in so many different ways.

In many ways big parts of my "old life", the life

before cancer, are gone--forever now.

It makes me sad and crushes my heart some days.

It makes me curious to see what the future holds

on other days.

We are all changed people because of this journey

we took, through no choice of our own.

Mostly, and in the biggest way, I feel like myself

and my children are the most changed.  

I cannot speak for any extended family, nor will

I.  It is not my place to say for them how they

have or have not been changed, although I would 

imagine many of them feel the same.

Or maybe not?

I do not know.

I have spoken often lately with my CC wives, 

who are all now widows.  

This cancer has stolen so many young lives,

so many young fathers, and left us widows and 

fatherless.

Orphans in a way.  Left alone to flounder

at sea until we find new footings to stand on.

Fresh courage to move ahead and patience with

ourselves to move through the process, which

is long and arduous. 

So many of us have said that the people around us do

not know how to deal with cancer and death and we

have been left by the wayside in many ways.

Lives carry on.

Including our lives.

Yet, it will be with new friends and new relationships

and new jobs and new lives--literally.

For there is no going back to what we once had.

There are only memories and ghosts of memories.

I told my friend today that it's been 3 of the 

longest months of my life and yet in those 

3 (also very short) months I cannot remember

what Kyle's laugh sounds like anymore.

I have tried and tried and I cannot find it anywhere 

in my memory.

Maybe it will return, but for now it's gone.

And as I move forward there are so many things I am

afraid of forgetting.  So to remember I talk about him.

Please always let me talk about him.

No matter where my path leads, Kyle will always be

a part of my life and my heart and my children and 

what we are made of.  The very DNA of our family.

And so today, I am bidding this blog a fond farewell.

It is quite literally a part of my soul.

The very most vulnerable part.

It is my heart ripped open and bleeding on page 

after page of my life.

It is the expression of my love for the dearest man

in my life.

It is the bitter heartache and tears of a bullet

train of death speeding toward me for 2 straight years.

It is honest and raw and the only way I knew how to 

do this.

Forgive me for not knowing any other way.

I will probably find some obscure place to keep 

typing where no one can see anymore.

I am not sure my heart can be this brittle and broken,

and find a way to heal, unless I can let out my truth.

All of my truth--and not everyone needs to, or wants

to hear that truth.

Because while there is plenty of good, there is also

still great great deep and abiding sadness my soul

must work through to heal.

And so I bid adieu to these pages that have so kindly

hosted my words.

And I bid goodbye to all those who have read and 

commented for both good and bad.  I am so grateful

for friendships forged and people "met" and

news and information that could be shared because

of what I wrote.

I may update every now and again and we pass through

some milestone that deserves to be honored, but until

then this is an ending of sorts.

As I begin this journey of the "other side".

The side without Kyle.  And cancer.

And cholangio-freakin-carcinoma.

A journey of healing and trying to find light

and life and laughter and joy again in my life

without him.

A journey in his honor.

Because we promised we would ...

find joy

and happiness

and live the life he could not finish living.

And that's what I've got for today.

Kyle last spring in the red rocks of

Southern Utah (MOAB/ARCHES National Park).

This was the dearest place to his hearts.

And Kyle loved Edward Abbey, so I will 

leave you all with this quote:

"May your trails be crooked, winding, lonesome

and dangerous, leading to the most amazing views."

Go seize the day people and find some amazing views

in your life to honor this wonderful soul!