Post Script: Empty Spaces

I'm a liar.

A big fat liar!

But I have some more words that had to come out!

The day after I posted my last blog post, one of our

cancer friends, a local "superhero" Dov, passed away

from cancer.

The lives Dov touched in his 7 1/2 year battle (against

every odd conceivable) with terminal colon are 

immeasurable.

He was a a light on dark days, humor in sad moments

and he gave selflessly of himself from start to finish in 

his battle.

Making people smile and laugh and feel comfortable

in one of life's hardest circumstance.  He had a gift

which he freely shared with all those around him.

When I read the news on Facebook, my heart broke

open a little all over again--tears came and I 

could only think of those he had left behind.

I now knew the journey they must take and it

tore at my heart.

A wife and children and relatives and friends who

ADORED him.

Just like Kyle left all those people who 

adored HIM,  Dov was now leaving people who's world

would change in a heartbeat.

Life without....them.

Later that night Olivia and I were laying in bed

and she was telling me about atoms and what she 

had learned in school that day.

She said, "Mom did you know an atom is 99% empty

space?  And that empty space can bend and move

and push things apart...."

When she said that it struck me forcefully that

Kyle, and Dov, and so many others have left this

huge empty space in our hearts and lives.

We are all learning to adjust and learning how

to live with the empty spaces they once filled.

It's a process.

We have to bend and reshape our lives to fit

into new configurations, shapes that are new to 

us, and ways of living that feel foreign and strange.

That same day at work an old co-worker messaged

me and said something about how NOT ONLY am I

grieving the death of my spouse, but I am also

learning to live a WHOLE NEW LIFE as a single 

working mom.

I am trying to fill a whole bunch of empty spaces

in my life with all the roles Kyle once filled.

Only now I'm doing it myself.

Those are some HUGE changes.

She got it, nailed it.

As I read post after post about Dov and his goodness

something broke apart inside of me--in a good way--

and I thought to myself...

There is no way I cannot honor Kyle and Dov, these

people that gave everything to us in the form of

humor and love and goodness, and give up.

I cannot NOT live for the rest of my life.

I MUST live and find joy and happiness for THEM.

For all they gave and sacrificed as they traveled their

journeys from birth to death--filling SO MANY 

empty spaces every single day for all of us.

I choose to find that hope and happiness and joy

in my life.

I choose to get up even when the days are hard.

I choose to love and accept and give and learn and grow.

I choose to try and try again and again and again.

I choose to honor these people who were heroes to me.

A husband I loved, and a friend who loved everyone

he met.

One of Dov's favorite saying was to "Carpe Diem" 

....although he said it much more colorfully and 

I second his choice of words.  (but will spare you them here)

(to give you a hint, he mostly wore F Cancer shirts to 

chemo...)

Friends, let us choose to live, and choose to love!

That's what I've got for today in honor of Dov.

Dov speaking at Kyle's fundraiser last year!

You can see Kyle's green Cancer Kicks (shoes) in the lower left corner!

Kyle and Dov dressed up this Thanksgiving passing out treats

to the patients and staff at the Huntsman Cancer Institute.  This

was literally 4 weeks before Kyle died and was STILL helping 

other people.  If you only knew what was going on this picture

under his costume.  These men were good good good souls.