Granted

I think a lot of times in life we take things for 
granted.

I know I sure did.

And who doesn't really?

We think things will always be the way that
they are, certain that it will never be us
that is given the unbearable burdens that
always go to "other people."

Sometimes WE are the "other people."

Taking things for granted like....

Sitting next to my husband for 20 something
years and not giving it a second thought.

Hearing him breath next to me while he slept.

Reaching over to look at him in church, or at
dinner, or at the movie theater and just
KNOWING he's there.  

Just knowing he's there.  And knowing that's
ALL I need to know.

He has my back, no matter what.

Talking about everything and nothing, anytime.

Having someone who was my other half, always
there for me whenever I needed him to and even
when I didn't want him to be.

Those are the things that sting the most now, it seems.

The little things.

The things that make me crack, the things that
make me sob and physically ache for Kyle's 
physical presence again in my life.

These are the things that hurt to see...
(and don't feel bad, I can't help how I feel,
just remember how lucky YOU are to have it, if you do.)

Watching a spouse reach over with a gentle touch.

Seeing someone lean close to the one they love.

Watching a grandpa play with their grandkids.

Going out to dinner and being "solo".  
Alone.

It's lonely.

Even when I'm in a crowd of people I love, people
that I KNOW love me and want me there?  
Sometimes it's more than I can bear without him.

It's so lonely---even in that crowd of people
who love me.  I can't explain it, it just is.

And I leave and my heart breaks all over again
at the loneliness without him.

For most people (a lot of people?)
life without Kyle has gone on as before.  

Sure, they're sad maybe if they think about him.
Sure, they may miss him a little...

But it's not the same as it is for me and my family
where the hole is the biggest and hardest to fill.

Now believe me when I say it's not all gloom
and doom here...it's not.

We absolutely laugh and joke and find some joy 
in life already---but there is also deep deep
sadness and heartache that we will be working
through for a long time to come.

I'm not sure what the point of this post
is--other than perhaps to remind people NOT 
to take things for granted in life.

Especially when it comes to the ones you love.
And that love you.

I swear it feels like every time I write it
circles back around to love.

I am truly grateful for the mini "village" of
people who are my pillars. 

I am grateful for family and friends who let
me text and cry and call and whine and release
my emotions when the days are bad.

Thank you for that.  It is a treasure and 
I literally could not survive without you.

I am grateful for my weekend "babysitters" (you 
know who you are) who laugh and cry with me
and provide me a safe space to land over
and over and over and over.  I'm grateful
for heartfelt conversations over dinners
and honest good company that holds me up.

I so blessed to have the children I do.
Even in their struggles and pain, they make
me laugh and remind me not to take myself
too seriously.

They step in when I'm tired and feeling down
and help without too much prodding.

The whole new juggling act between single working
mother raising 4 kids alone going to school and 
cleaning house and running errands and going to
parent-teacher conferences and doctor appointments
and balancing everything all at once alone is
DAUNTING most days....so to those who have helped?

Again a giant thank you.

Please remember to hold those that you love
and little tighter and tell them you care.
Be slower to anger and quicker to forgive.

Remember I'm watching you and wishing that I had
just one more day, or hour, or minute with the
man I loved to tell him, and hold him, and 
touch him, and love him.

That's what I've got for today.