met in real life--though we connected because of this
awful cancer--) sent me this thing on grief that I
found so truly wonderful.
It is so great I wanted to share it.
It described things so well. It's from that popular
Facebook page "Mitchell's Journey".
And it so clearly says what I feel and cannot yet find
a way to put into words.
I especially like the part that I've underlined. It is
NOT a choice to simply rise above it, grief and sadness
STILL exist, it is not something we can will away, pray
away, hope away....it simply is a part of our souls
because we loved the person who is gone so deeply.
I've said it before and I will say it again, the
LONELINESS is unreal for me. I feel more alone than
I've ever felt in my life. Despite ALL the hugs and
kindness, my "go to guy", the one who held me close in
my darkest hours, the one who whispered in my ear it
would "be okay", the one who loved me despite the way
I looked or acted, that guy? He's gone.
I said to my kids last night through a multitude of
tears, "I'm truly alone in this thing."
Olivia (my 11 year old) looked at me and said,
"Yup you are mom!"
Now before everyone gets their panties in a wad and thinks,
"well I have been a friend, I've helped, I've called/texted/
messaged/emailed, brought food, sent a note....."
YOU'RE RIGHT! You have all (so so so many of you!!)
done so so so many kind and wonderful things.
Of which I am 1000 times over appreciative of....
Please don't think they don't matter to me--
But still, not one of you can come hold me at night
when I weep.
Not one of you can let me lay in your arms and comfort
me and tell me I'll be okay.
Not one of you can fill that hole, that hole that feels
bottomless to me right now, that hole that was once
There are things that I do that LITERALLY make my heart
hurt, like its coming apart inside my chest.
A real physical pain that is awful.
I'm sorry to be "Dorien Downer"....but man oh man
loosing your best friend is hard.
I told my kids I was jealous that for the most part
everyone else that is missing Kyle has a spouse to go
home to, a shoulder to cry on, someone to hold them
tightly in bed at night when the hour is the darkest
and the saddest feelings come.
I've tried holding myself in bed at night, and it's
just awkward and doesn't really work. My arms don't
wrap around tightly enough, I guess.
I will leave you with this tidbit for today
from the author of Mitchell's journey.
It seems grief is universal in it's feelings honestly.