Mood Swings

As I sift through an array of emotions from day to day,
I have felt sadness and shock and grief and sorrow and
hurt and ache and heaviness and fear.

And I've also felt joy and laughter and unity and love 
and strength and hope and I've reflected on the many feelings
this has awakened within my heart and soul.

Sometimes it is a quiet reflection in the stillness of 
a moment of time.  Sometimes it is a flurry of thoughts
that I cannot control.  Inner turmoil.

But today, today I feel ANGER.

This is the first time I've REALLY felt angry about this.

I'm sure it won't be the last.

Angry.  Angry.  ANGRY!

Like throwing something really hard and really far, angry.
(If I could actually throw ANYTHING hard or far and didn't
look like a girl doing it.)

Like yelling at Kyle and God and my kids, and ANYONE who will
listen to me yell, angry.

Like weeping and gnashing my teeth angry...even though I have
NO clue how to gnash my teeth, or what that even means really.

Gnash my teeth?

I feel like being angry, just because I can be angry.

Mark Twain said, "When angry, count four.  
                    When VERY angry, swear!"

Mark Twain and I would've been good friends I think.

&$@(*&@@)#*$* and ?><_+#&@&#*()@@@!!!

Gloria Steinem said about anger, 

                         "The truth will set you free,
                        but first it will piss you off."

The truth is Kyle has cancer, and guess what? 

That PISSES ME OFF!

I am really really mad. 
And I think it's NOT FAIR! 
NOT. FAIR.
Not.
Fair.


                    It's NOT FAIR that he has cancer!
                   
                    I'ts NOT FAIR that his kids will grow up
                    without a dad.

                    It's NOT FAIR that he will never meet                                            
                    grandchildren.  And hold them. And hug them.
                    And teach them to build Lego sets.  And
                    wrestle on the floor with them. 

                    It's NOT FAIR he will not see kids graduate 
                    high school, and college.

                    It's NOT FAIR he will not meet sons-in-law
                    and daughter-in-laws.

                    It's NOT FAIR that he will leave me alone to
                    raise 4 children and all the joys and sorrows
                    that come with that.

                    It's NOT FAIR that all my children's friends
                    LOVE him and he won't be here to drive them
                    around, or joke with them.

                    It's NOT FAIR they are STUCK WITH ME!
                    Just me.
                    (Who wants to be STUCK WITH ME??!)

                    It's NOT FAIR that he will leave me alone.
                    PERIOD!!!

                    I do not like alone.  I do NOT like alone!
                    It's NOT FAIR.

                    It's NOT FAIR that he will miss dates and
                    dances and holidays and Sunday dinners and 
                    Lucky Lilacs and birthdays and anniversaries.

                    IT'S NOT FAIR!

                    Life is not fair. 

And then I think what will being angry really solve?  

Nothing really. And so I sigh...deeply.

I will move past anger.

For now.

I will keep sifting until I find a new emotion.

Or maybe I'll go throw a few plates at my garage really
hard just to listen to them shatter on the bricks.
                    
This is what I've got for today.