PET Scan update

To any of our readers a quick note:

IF you don't like this blog?

I'm begging you please don't read it.  
No one is forcing you to.

I'm asking this in my MOST sincere kind,
loving, NON angry, passionate and from the heart
voice.  PLEASE do not read it any other way.
There is NO anger in this post at all.

Mostly just exhaustion.

IF it's too depressing, or has to much swearing,
or is "too real" or too sad or too anything?

Please don't read it.

No one is forcing you to.

If we don't have enough faith or hope
or belief in miracles? 

Don't read it.

We are pretty matter of fact kind of people.
This is how we BOTH have chosen to address this.

BOTH of us.  United.

Sadly we don't believe in unicorns and fairy dust.
OHHHH how I wish we did.  
Life was so much simpler when we did.

Believe.  In unicorns and fairy dust.

Or if you DO chose to continue reading it
and DON'T like it? 

Keep your feelings to yourself.

I will try and not judge you when you're 
going through a living hell.  When your entire
life has flipped upside down.  When you're
watching the father of your 4 kids FIGHT FOR HIS
LIFE.

Knowing what the inevitable end will be.

When you've walked a mile in our shoes?
THEN, and only then, can you make a statement about
how we feel and what we're going through.

Please don't judge our feelings.  They are raw
and real and they include anger and frustration
and hurt and sadness.

They also include love and gratitude and hope
and joy and laughter.

We feel ALL of those things.  

IF your 44 year old husband was going to die
from terminal cancer, you don't know how you
would react, or what you would feel, or think.

We have had a few not very nice messages lately
and honestly we don't appreciate them.

This blog leaves BOTH Kyle and I in a very
vulnerable place with our hearts and feelings.

And for the record, the things we feel?

They are, for the most part, the same things
everyone else going through this cancer feels
to one degree or another.

I've talked enough with my fellow CC wives to 
know this for a fact.

There have been holes in walls, crying, yelling,
screaming, hope, tears, vomiting, despair and joy
from ALL of them and their families.

ALL OF THEM.

(Kyle's a little sad I didn't manage to work 
in the F word somewhere here.  But I didn't, and 
never have actually used that real word here out
of respect for other people who may be offended by
use of that word.  I guess if you're offended by
the letter 'F'?  That's your problem.)

Now on to our news:


----------------------------------


We have news.

At first we thought it was okay news...but on
closer inspection, it's not as great as we thought.

Next time I'm sending Heidi to the Dr. appt to ask
more pointed questions.

The news is that on our 8 week break, Kyle's 
cancer has spread and grown...which our Dr failed
to mention in detail at Kyle's appt.

He has a new liver tumor and more involvement in
his lymph nodes and his lungs.

Simply put--the cancer is spreading.

Never good news with this cancer.

Or any cancer.

Now for the "good" news.

The Y 90 tumor?  Pretty much dead as a doornail.

But for me, that didn't outweigh the other news.

New tumors and growing cancer give ME a pit in my stomach.

We are off to try chemo again and will start soon.

So many complicated decisions lie ahead of us.

We get to "play God" with Kyle's life depending on
what we chose.  (Just FYI God?  I never want your job!)

Dr Sharma's concerns are this:

1. Kyle will become immune to this chemo.  

   Sadly there is no predicting when that happens.
   One day he will just have no response to it and
   then we know it's not working.

2.  Kyle's platelets.  The longer you stay on this
    chemo the harder it is on Kyle's bone marrow
    and platelets.  It will eventually get to the point
    where his numbers quit rebounding and he can no
    longer stay on this cocktail of chemo.

3.  Neuropathy ....this chemo cocktail can cause numbness
    in Kyle's extremities.  When that happens?  He's done
    with this chemo too.

Anyway, we have an insurance juggling question
and a finances question and a when to start chemo
again question and then we will make our decision.

My vote is tomorrow.  

Kyle is trying to be financially sound--
remember cancer costs a LOT of money, sadly.

I want to start fighting, like yesterday.

He's trying to save a couple thousand dollars.

I usually win the fights in our house, so we'll
see who wins this one. ;)

That's what I've got for today, a little good mixed
in with some not very good.