Reality Check

We have had quite the week.

Full of ups and downs (whats new with cancer, really?)

Monday was sort of like a punch in the gut...
...for me.

...and I find it shocking that I am SHOCKED that
Kyle has cancer that can, and is, growing and spreading.

It takes my breath away.

I know I am brutally honest in real life and
on my blog.  More honest than some people can stand.

And in my HEAD I know what's going on here.

But in my heart?

Ya, well that's a whole different story.
My heart may never quite catch up with my head.

I remember standing in the kitchen after work
on Monday with Kyle and all the kids.  

I was WEEPING and I am pretty sure I was talking
and per usual I was probably gnashing my teeth.

(whatever that means)

It felt like an out of body experience.

What was this news?

HOW could his cancer be spreading and growing.
(I think I wept and asked this question out loud)

HOW? 

HOW? 

HOW?

Well, because it does.
That's what cancer does.

Josh looked at me and said, "Mom remember Dad has
TERMINAL cancer.  This is not unexpected news.
We KNEW this was going to happen at some point."

But...but....but...

(I don't want it to happen)

But it did anyway.

I have clung to Kyle all week.  It pains me to
be away from him.  My heart has ached.  The tears
have slipped silently down my face. I have felt 
anger at the Dr for not explaining things clearly.

We like clear.  We like straight answers.

We have called back several times for better
explanations.  We have consulted with our other
oncologist for HIS insight on what he sees happening.

All of them have answered this way...

...It's time to get back to treatment (chemo)
to keep pushing this back for as long as it 
will respond.

And so chemo will start again soon.

We've had questions and conundrums sorting out
money and starting dates and have finally come
up with a plan.

And so, as we've said before: 

OUR HOPE IS IN THE FIGHT.  

THE BATTLE with this brutal monster.  So
we head back to battle and hope that Kyle's cancer
will respond for just a little bit longer on the
"frontline" chemo for this disease (the Gem/Cis)
and that it will push down this nasty little 
bugger and buy us some more time.

In the meantime, I have felt a greater sense 
of urgency to be with my family and to hold 
them close.

Kyle and I have left for the past 3 Saturdays
and spent almost the entire day together...

Doing silly things like errands or dollar movies
or talking or crying or laughing.  We hold on
a little bit tighter and gather the kids together
as often as they will let us.

We understand that this is a numbers game and
that almost 11 months in--we are lucky and 
blessed and lucky to have him here still.

I received a doozy of a cancer story this week,
one that left me SOBBING, about another "brother"
that just passed away in November.  This one
knocked the socks off of me and the wind out of
me.  

It was beautiful and long and detailed and told
the grimmest of tales about "the end".

And so Kyle and I both took it in.  
It was hard, but good (in a weird way) to "see"
what will be coming down the road for us.

It is brutal.  This cancer is brutal.

(brutal)

So for now, until we get "there"--we will continue
to live each day to the fullest.

Together.

We will continue to hold on a little tighter.

We will make time together a priority.

We're so grateful for the kind dinners brought
in this week when we were so emotionally exhausted.

Thank you for just doing it.

Thank you for checking on us.

Cancer sure is a 'reality check' and this
week put the 'reality' back in 'check.'

And that's what we've got today.

Reality.

Onward to battle.