Voices of Cholangiocarcinoma, Voice #3. Anonymous

A few people have asked that their stories remain
anonymous in the telling.

I completely respect that wish.  They are opening
up their hearts and souls and sometimes in so doing
they still need to protect who they are.  Sometimes
the pain is still too fresh and too raw and it is
easier to be "unknown."

And so this voice has made the choice to share
with the world as "Anonymous".

Here is their story.

It is another story of loosing a brother (I wish
there weren't so many, but there seem to be more
sisters and spouses who wrote to me).  

All of the stories are edited to fit in my blog only.
I have not corrected typo's or spelling or 
anything to change the integrity of the story
being told.  They belong to the teller, not me.

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I use to believe in God and then my brother got
cancer and everyone kept telling me God doesn't give
us a cross we can't bear or that this is all part of Gods
bigger plan. I hear that cancer patients and families are told 
this a lot. And then people told me that this was
Gods will.  Gods will?  It was his will that
my brother got cancer and died?  I used to believe
in God and the God I use to believe in would not do that. 
Maybe I will find God in my heart again someday, but he's not
there now. What kind of God would do that?  I'm not
mad at him I just don't believe in him anymore.

I thought I had time. And then my brother got this
cancer.  I kept putting off spending time with him.
I thought there would be more of it. And then
one day there was none left and I let everything else
get in my way.  I didn't make time for him.  And now
I have regret.  Regret is a really hard thing to live with.
If I could share anything with anyone who reads this
it is to make time and not put it off cuz even if your
one of the lucky ones who has more time with this 
cancer it will never be enough time.  This cancer 
doesn't care.

I watched my brother die from this cancer and I never
thought I would loose him.  I don't know how to write
all the things I see and feel like you do Dorien but I 
feel all of those things you feel.  I took too much
for granted and now I'm sorry.  I didn't say the things
that needed to be said.

I'm not angry, I'm just sad all the time.  I miss him
so much. I think that's all I have to say about it, its
not very good.  But I wanted to say something.  
Maybe someone can learn from me.   He lived
for 11 months after he was diagnosed.  I loved him.
I'm sorry this is all bunched up together and doesn't 
make sense.  Thank you for telling my bit.  It sounds
pretty sad and depressing but that is how I feel. 
This is the first time I've ever tried to tell any of 
it out loud in writing.  Please share this without my name.

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