insidious, vile, foul, awful disease

You would think with good numbers, good chemo day, and an overall
good feeling husband I would be good this weekend right?

Wrong.

I am anything but good this weekend.

If you heard me swearing and crying you will know why.

I am "raging" at the sky.

Cholangiocarcinoma.org is a message and information board
I follow to gather knowledge about the fight with this
awful monster.

The insidious mother frakker.

This foul enemy.

There was a young girl in her 20's who has been fighting
this for two years, come September.

She was one of the "lucky ones" who had the option for 
surgery, not "just" chemo.

Surgery to remove all the bits of this black, tarry gunk dripping around inside of her.  (see previous post where I describe what I think this cancer looks like--not an actual description of said cancer--it's actually much more solid and unassuming in real life.)

In May, after a long fight against this vile disease she finally
met the criteria to have her surgery (resection or transplant...
I cannot remember which one).

She remained in pretty much critical condition from that day 
onward and passed away today.

Just a reminder to ME, that no matter what, this is coming 
down the road toward us.

I hate reminders.

But it is skulking, dressed in black, with a rank stench escaping
from it's lungs, ever so slowly toward us.

I like to think, as I watch Kyle mow, and build, and work this
weekend, that somehow, someway, HE will not reach this point.

It's impossible the he should succumb to that reaper of death.

Not him. No way. No how.

NOT KYLE!!

No way.
No how.
Not him.

I'm only fooling myself.

Sometimes when I face myself in the mirror, and look deeply
into my soul, I know I'm lying to myself.

And I crumble and break.

Some really dumb person somewhere made up the really dumb
saying that "God only gives us what we can handle."

(Sorry to offend those that believe this foolishness, because as you know if you've read...I believe that this cancer comes from anywhere but God.)

But IF I believed that God "gave us this"...I could not live,
or love, or breath, or be.

Because I could not handle this if I thought it did.

I cannot handle the other thought either.

This thought of what is marching our way.

What kind of a God steals a young girl in the prime of 
her life?

What kind of a God could not, and would not, step in, with mercy
and love and let her live. 

Grant a miracle.  Give hope.  Salvation. Life.

I'm finding it hard to be anything but sad and angry for the injustices in this thing we call life this weekend.

Cholangiocarcinoma, you are an insidious, vile, foul, and awful disease.

I am so sad that you stole another life this day.

A daughter, a friend, a human being.

I didn't even know her, but we have become related by
a common link.

And I just cried and cried and cried some more.

And beat my hands against the sky until they were bloodied
and broken.

"Why oh why oh why oh why...."

It's all so very senseless.

That's what I've got for today.