My heart cracked in two...

I am on blog overload today, so I apologize.

Remember what I said though (Dumbledore, Harry Potter, thoughts, 
wand, Pensieve).  *See Avett Brothers post in case of confusion.

I need to get some stuff out of my brain that's been 
swirling around in there, ruminating.

I told Kyle two nights ago that I had just reread this blog from
the beginning.

Oh man!  That was awful!  Sorry to put you guys through all
that.

It was heart wrenching, and brutal, and depressing, and 
hard to read.  

It made me cry all over again.

I told Kyle since this was MY way of processing this journey, 
I actually was NOT sorry.

YEP!  You read that right! 

FAKED YOU OUT! 

I am NOT sorry it was hard to read, and brutal, and depressing, and made you cry.

Not one bit sorry.

I guess I'm sorry that I'm not sorry.

It was brutal, and depressing, and hard to live, and made 
US cry.

It is real.

It is our reality.

But here's the thing he said to me.

There is NO WAY I could capture and re-create all those fresh,
raw, awful, horrible, beautiful, painful, REAL feelings if I 
were to try and write it all down now.

NO. WAY.

The thing is, the news that we got back on March 8, it
changed our lives forever.

It made, and will continue to make, an indelible imprint on 
our life FOREVER.

There's no getting out of the inevitable with this one.

I am absolutely glad (no matter how hard it is to read) that
I captured the truth of this journey from the beginning.

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And here is why.

Yesterday I got an email from my sister.

She has a daughter that is ring shopping.

You know what that means.

Wedding bells.

In fact, there could be 2, possibly 3, weddings in the near future.

Nieces, tying the knot.

I read the email from her and my heart cracked in two.

I could feel it.

Literally, I kid you not.

The emotions that washed over me were profound and amazing
and deep and again, raw.

In one breath I felt joy and happiness for my niece who is 
giddy in love with the boy of her dreams. 

Her life is before her and she is on the brink of something
amazing.

In the same split second, of the very same breath, my heart shattered into a million pieces.

I thought, to myself, Kyle will (probably) never see his daughters get married.

(The odds are not in his favor, unless we have a teen wedding which I would just as soon skip!)

I wept and wept and wept and thought "this is not fair!"

I sent her an email telling her of the crack down my heart.

Her reply was so kind and loving and it made me cry all over
again.

She understood.  She felt the same way.  

She said it was OK for me to share those feelings with her.

She said...

It's not fair. 

It's so not fair.

It's just NOT FAIR.

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I'm getting better at "day to day" life with this...

...this cancer.

It's the new normal and it helps that chemo has brought Kyle
back to 90% of himself for now.

Our social worker at the Huntsman said she sees people adjust
all the time.

I think I'm finally there.

3 months in.

The hideous shock of the news has worn off and I've moved
past numb and anger (most days) to "acceptance" in some
weird way.

Acceptance, and fighting like hell, until we can't fight 
anymore.

BUT, the part I STILL struggle with is all those things...

That endless list...

That pile of events in the future.

Heaped up and waiting to happen, like a pile of laundry
waiting to be folded.

The laundry and the future?  They never go away.

Kyle reminds me (daily) to take one day at a time...but
I'm a worrier by nature and I cannot help but think about
the things that are yet to be.

Even harder for me to swallow are the things that must be
passed through without him.

They make me fall to my knees in agony.

And beat my fists against my pillow.

And cry when no one can hear me.

It is not fair.

Life is not fair.

It's just not fair.

It's SO not fair.

And so while memory making and life continue, there are moments
that remind me (emails of weddings) of what is to come.

Those moments are very real.

And I make no apologies for recording them and sharing them.

If only with myself.

This may be all I have for today.