Answers: PART FIVE

Q:  Dorien- do you think you will ever get over the anger? Do you feel like your whole relationship is consumed with the cancer now, or is there any sense of normalcy for you guys?
Kyle- how do you deal with the emotions of knowing you might miss so many milestones in your kids lives?

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Answer:  Anger.  Hmmmm.  Well I am NOT angry at God (since 
         I don't believe God gave Kyle cancer.  Or did this.
         As we've explained before, we believe we live in a 
         world where bad things (and good things) JUST HAPPEN.
         We don't believe in a God that orchestrates everything
         in our lives.  (Which everyone else may, or may not,
         agree with...or disagree with.  That's not the point).

         I think that anger is a step in the grieving process.
         From "counselling" sessions, to personal experience with
         death and grieving, and books, and life, I know it is
         a feeling that comes and goes in this whole thing.
     
         Weaves its way in and out through the days, and 
         weeks, and months, and years.

         I am not angry every day.  I am angry some days.

       
         I am mostly angry that THIS is happening--not at
         anyone or anything in particular.  

         Who would I be angry at anyway?

         (Does that make sense?)

         I am MORE angry about the injustices of it all.
         44 years old and cancer?
         4 kids finishing life, and growing up, without their
         Dad?  I am 'cancer can SUCK IT!' kinda mad about that!

         Hopefully as I work through the process, and time,
         I will work through all those feelings as well.

         There are lots of moments that are coming down
         our road to meet us.

         I will face them, all those ugly awful feelings.
         And I will process them so that I can move
         THROUGH the grief instead of having it destroy me.  

         That's my long answer.  (What's new?) :)

Are you consumed with cancer?  What about normalcy?

         Yes.  The cancer is ALWAYS always there.  It never
         goes away for us (as I've stated before).  It does
         for everyone else (and this is AS IT SHOULD BE!).
         But that sneaky little guy is always always hanging
         around our house in the backround.

         We have NOT stopped living.  We DO have a "new normal".
         We DO still laugh and have fun and make jokes and do
         things.  We still LIVE LIFE.  We are not always crying
         and sad and weeping and unhappy.  Not by a long shot.

         But the cancer (for us) is always there.

Kyle's feelings about missing milestones.

         This one weighs very heavily on all of us.  I think
         sometimes we can't think about it too much or we would
         collapse under the weight of missed things.

         This, for me, is the very most heart breaking aspect
         of all about this whole entire cancer thing.

         It is heavy.  So maybe this is the one thing we avoid
         touching on too much.  Kind of like a hot stove...if
         you dwell on it too much, you will get burned.

         Sadly this one will be around, for well, always.
         Every wedding.  Graduations.  Grandchildren.  Holidays.
         I hope that there is still some sweet along with the
         bitter (of the 'bittersweet') that helps us get through
         those occasions. 

         Honestly?  These are the things, that if we consumed
         our time thinking about them, we would be LITERALLY
         crushed under the weight of agony and grief.

         We touch them.  But quickly and not for long and not
         often.

         And when we do?  This is what Kyle always says...

         "I'm not dead yet!"  

         Amen to that one Kyle!  Amen to that one!

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Q;In your spiritual community, are you finding the "realness" that you need? I know from experience that it can be a challenge.


                     Great question, honestly.  And I need to be careful how
         I answer this so as not to offend anyone (if they are
         reading.)

         First of all our community (church) has been really 
         really great meeting our "physical" needs.  (They helped
         us get a new roof for heavens sake).  They have 
         dropped off countless treats, cards, and meals. 
         Seriously, COUNTLESS.  So in EVERY WAY, they have met
         our basic human needs to eat, and survive, and be fed.

         In every single way, meeting our physical needs, they
         have done that WITHOUT FAIL and in the best (!!) most
         wonderful way.  In every single way.  And I do not
         want to sound ungrateful when I say what I say next.
         Because we are grateful.  We will never find a way to
         "repay" the good that has been done to us if we live
         1000 lifetimes and do nothing but repay this goodness.

         This kind of support is 100% important, needed AND
         valued.  We could NOT survive without it. (not not)
         However, it is not ALL we need to survive this
         thing though.

         That said (of course you knew that was coming)--I think
         that the "realness" (being there, saying the 'right
         thing', emotionally supporting us) is very very very
         hard.  People just do NOT know how to do this.

         Especially in THIS situation.

         There have been a few people....
         (who have walked this path before
         that 'get it')--they have been the angels and the rocks          in our life!

         There are many people that just do not know how,
         or what to do in this situation.  Good grief it's a 
         hard one. (What do we say?  What can we say?  What?)

         'Realness' in this situation is beyond hard.

         First of all...WHAT can you say to make it better?
         NOTHING.

         Second of all...half of the 'trite' things you say make
         it worse, so why bother?

         Third...boy oh boy is it hard to talk to someone (us)
         about the realities of death and dying and terminal
         illness.  It's uncomfortable.  It's hard.  It's ugly.

         So it's easier to say nothing at all, right?  right!

         So, in that respect (in EVERY part of our lives) we have
         found it hard for MOST people to be 'real'.  (Not just
         religious community, but family and friends as well.
         The people who are NOT afraid to ask and talk?  
         Real gems!)

         It's not a bad thing.  It just is a 'thing'.  Period.

         Maybe our experience can help someone else the next 
         time they are faced with this...maybe they can learn
         what to do and say.  If nothing else...that is a good
         thing!

         I learned in my life, through my hard experiences 
         (previous to this), that the BEST thing you can do is
         simply say 'I love you', 'I care', 'I'm sorry', ask
         what you can do...and then do something.  Nothing
         will fix it.

         But knowing you are loved and being thought about...?
         It goes a long way.

         But again, circling back to the beginning...it is 
         hard, hard, hard and awkward and hard and hard some 
         more.  So to NO ONE's fault, at all, I think MOST
         people are very awkward at 'being real'.

         
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Q:  will the cancer shrink and so he will be in remission?

Answer:  Yes the cancer WILL shrink.  It has shrunk (first chemo round about
              65% shrinkage...the ONLY time shrinkage is good for a man.  ;)  2nd chemo
              round about 25% shrinkage).

              It will never be in remission with this type of cancer.  As Kyle is Stage 4, it will
              only halt the progression of the disease.  It's already in his bloodstream, out of
              the liver (in lungs and lymph nodes) so there is no way to STOP it forever.

              Unfortunately.   Some people respond well to "halting" it (one doctor said they
              see patients get 3-4 years of extra time).  Some people are dead by now with
              this cancer and never even make it to month 5.
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Those are my answers for today.

I wanted to add, that while sleep has seemed to elude me during
these (almost) 5 months for many nights, it gives me time to 
think. 

This morning, my wake up call (insomnia) was at 5 a.m.

As I awoke from (yet another) awful dream about death and dying
and all of this...I lay in bed for two hours thinking.

I have to say that as we started this journey and heard 'time'
in increments of 6-18 months (sometimes more, sometimes less)
my heart broke.

As we reach the almost 5 month mark from diagnosis, I have to say
that I am BEYOND grateful for all the good days Kyle has had.

After about 1 month of chemo, he was less 'sick' (cancer-y) and
more 'Kyle' again.

He works full time still.  He does projects around the house.
We have made memories.  Done fun trips.  Played in mountain lakes.  Watched Ruby swim.  Eaten dinners.  Gone to movies.
Spent time living.  Worked in the yard.  Put things in order.
Laughed with friends.  Loved with family.  Lived.  Cried.  Been. Saw. Done. Existed.

For every one of those moments, I am grateful.

I am grateful that Kyle is full of life and (for the most part)
'health'.  (It's all relative, right?)

I have had people message me, call me, and email me.
People who know someone with this cancer that is not doing 
NEARLY this well.

Each of them says 'Oh enjoy these moments!'  'Please enjoy them'.

I just want you to know.

We are.

I know this blog (this cancer blog) is heavy on cancer at times.

As is our life.  Everyday.

But PLEASE KNOW that we are busy living and seizing moments
and being and loving.

Please know that.

It isn't perfect and some days we stumble and fall and cry.

But we ARE living.  We are not siting down and quitting.  
Nor will we.

And this is what I've got for today~