Answers. Post Two.

Question(s).  

Set Two.

1) Kyle- have you ever thought of video taping speeches for your children for all the milestones that you might miss? 2) Are you two mad at God 3) Are you seeking any alternative methods in addition to chemo such as raw foods, juicing and gershon method, macrobiotic, etc? If not, why? (this is just to start)

 4) Does it bother you when people seem to avoid the obvious elephant in the room and have you given the elephant a name yet? (LOL)

 5) How are the KIDS doing? What are you doing to address their needs? What can we as friends do for your kids now and later?

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Answers:

1.  Yes, he (we) have thought about video taping Kyle.  We haven't gotten around to it yet.  (We should, it's really stupid we haven't).  We have video taped Kyle just answering some
"fun" random questions about his life, growing up, meeting his
wife (that would be me) :) and a few other things.  Not enough
video--I'm thinking in this day of technology it will be a 
HUGE regret if we don't do more of this.  

GOAL:  make more important video messages.  NO REGRETS! :)

2.  Mad at God?? Nope, not at all.  We think that this cancer
and God really don't have anything to do with each other.
God did NOT "give" Kyle cancer.  We happen to live in a fallen
world, with mortal bodies--this body just happened to get
cancer, that happens to be terminal.  

Are we mad that it happened?  I would say much more DEEPLY
sad, oh so sad...but mad at God? Definitely not.

(These are OUR opinions--others that we know, that are close
to us, that are our friends and associates, believe 
differently (ie. God DID "give" Kyle cancer)....we just 
will always agree to disagree on this point.  And someday when
we meet (or don't meet) God, he can give us the real scoop.

Until then, there is really no 2nd guessing what has already
happened.  Wish it DIDN'T happen, but it happened.

This podcast (which I have OVER advertised) with the Rabbi
Harold Kushner (of "Why Bad Things Happen to Good People" fame)
explains PERFECTLY our views about God/Us/Bad Things....

Give it a listen:

 http://radiowest.kuer.org/post/why-book-job

3.  Seeking alternative methods?  No.  Here is a link
that perfectly explains why not.  It's the best answer we
have.  Kyle has tried to eat healthy and take care of himself
in ADDITION to everything else, but we won't take extreme
measures.  There is a lot of "evidence" but the "evidence"
is not compelling enough to quit conventional medicine, which
we feel is our best option.  I know not everyone will agree
with us.  In fact we have a friend that did this (one of 
the alternative methods)...for 6 weeks he amazed Doctors...and then well, his cancer came back with a vengeance.  Please read the article...this woman (who is much smarter than me) articulates VERY well how us "real life" cancer patients feel.  

Here's the link (I did a previous blog post on this as well).

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/joannamontgomery/keep-your-cures-off-my-cancer_b_3346767.html?utm_hp_ref=generation-why

4. The elephant in the room...Ah! Such a great question.

YES!  It pisses us off, it makes us sad, its pretty silly
that people ignore the elephant (who's name is #*(@&(*#(--
insert your favorite swear word here and that's his name!)

As we've said before (over and over) we/Kyle does NOT want to
be the center of attention because of this...

BUT, if you're going to ask how so and so's test was, or
so and so's job is going, or ask EVERYONE else in the room
how THEIR life is...ask us too!  Pretty silly to ignore the
obvious.  Remember this is OUR "new normal"...it won't
go away by not talking about it.

Just say, "Hey how was chemo last week?"  "How are you 
feeling Kyle?"  Any old question will do...but PLEASE
don't pretend the cancer isn't there.  (See last post--it's
ALWAYS there)--by NOT acknowledging it, it's almost 
insulting to us.

One quick question, one quick answer--just let us know
you care.  That's all it takes.  Easy easy easy.  (Oh we
know its hard hard hard for people to ask--it's a HUGE 
reach out of "comfort zones"--but do it--it will make
a HUGE difference and let Kyle know you care!)

5.  I answered some questions about the kids yesterday, 
but this more specifically asks what people can do,
now and later.

Kyle and I were recently talking about this.  It's a fine line
for the kids, who don't just want to talk about their dad
and cancer...and YET...they DO want to know people care.

We've pulled extra tight and close as a family and in some
ways have pulled farther away from people--BUT, the kids
also need to know they are loved and people care about them.

Some of the kids lost friends after the diagnosis (Yup, it's
true)--it was too hard for the friends to know what to do/say,
so (oh so sadly) they left.

That was hard and hurtful.  But we try and look and see
where other people are coming from.  We GET it's hard. 
It just is.

We ALSO (us, the grown ups) have had people pull away from us 
that we thought would be here for the long haul.

In both instances, people who we/the kids thought would
be around, left... but other (wonderful, shocking and even
amazing people) have stepped in.  People we would've never
guessed in a million years would help us down this road.

I have read that this in a common phenomenon with a terminal
diagnosis.  Some people leave (it's too much) and some people
you never expected to be there, step up to the plate in a
big way.  It happens all the time.  So we are apparently
right in "the norm". 

We would say for the kids...

1.  ASK how they are. (it's that darn talking thing again).
    WHY is talking so hard?  (It just is apparently).

2.  Don't pretend their dad doesn't have cancer. It will
    not make it go away.

3.  Be there!  Don't just wait--DO something.  Let them
    KNOW you care.  Call.  Text.  Send a card.  I think people
    THINK "something" has to be huge, it does NOT--even for us--
    Seriously a text?  It goes a long way to say "I'm thinking
    of you. I care."  A long long long way.

4.  Be there to help when things go south. They will need 
    people to bear them up and help them through.  We all will.

Again, in talking to Kyle's brother the other day (Sorry you're getting so much blog time Uncle Bud--hope you don't mind)...he
ASKED (again, had the decency to ask) "What it is Kyle needs right now?"  (I would add me and the kids into the mix as well).

WHAT WE NEED.  
RIGHT NOW. is emotional support.

Physically, since things are going well, we have all our
"bases covered" so to speak. Our lives are running at 90% of
normal--heck even when we had our "old normal"?? 90% is great!

But we STILL need people to check in and ask and love and
support that way. (See yesterdays post about the "burden" of
cancer that WE never walk away from and everyone else can/does).

HOW? does one do this?

Seriously, it does NOT have to be a big thing.

Little things are the best.  

They're easy for YOU.  Easy for us.

Text.

Call.

Email.

Drop a note.  (Thanks Libbi!)

Ask how we're doing.

Give us a hug when you see us. 

Give the kids a hug.

Don't ignore us.

Don't pretend we don't have cancer.

Don't make it a big deal, just do it.

And that's what I've got for today!

A few more answers to a few more questions.

Thanks for all the great questions!