Answers. Post One.

We've had a lot of questions.

I will try and answer them.

No one asked here, but lots of people asked on Facebook.

Here is question #1, and the answer.

1. What physical symptoms is Kyle experiencing now that chemo is in full swing? Is he still working? What have the kids dealt with emotionally? Is there a book to help them (that sounds condescending I think, how does anything HELP)? Counseling? Are you getting enough "couple" time together in addition to the family time?

Answer:

Kyle's cancer symptoms have pretty much all gone away at the moment.  (the fatigue, vomiting, coughing, fevers and pains)

Chemo has been a HUGE help to him feeling good again.

He is taken the chemo VERY WELL so far and after about one month
he actually felt back to about 80-90% of normal depending on the day.

Chemo is pretty well regimented these days and goes a LONG way to stave off nausea and other side effects.  People are not immune
to bad side effects however, it is just that each person responds
differently to the chemo.  And each person, and cancer, gets
a different regiment of chemo as well.

His main side effects from chemo are a hot red face the day after (this is from the steroids they give him to help him tolerate
chemo) and exhaustion.  He's pretty tired (some rounds worse than others) and takes a nap or three in the 2-3 days following chemo.

He has had ZERO nausea or sickness from chemo.

This is a REALLY great thing!
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Yes, Kyle is still working.  Full time.  With cancer and all
the other stresses of life.  If you know Kyle in person, you know why.  He will not quit until the time comes when he cannot
physically get out of bed and go.  He would MUCH rather be
doing SOMETHING, than nothing.  And he says it helps take his
mind off of things.

He also still folds laundry and cleans bathrooms and has enough
energy to mow the lawn again.
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The kids are all dealing with this VERY differently. As you can only imagine, there were MANY tears shed upon telling them the news.  Devastating is the word we ALL felt.  Keenly.

As Josh, our 19 year old son said, "Who wants to hear their dad
has terminal cancer?"

Josh tends to be more realistic about things.  And his attitude is "My dad is still here, I don't need to be sad until he's gone."

Which in some ways is really great.

Grace (16) and Eliza (13) ADORE their father (not that Josh and Olivia don't adore him), but they have a special bond with their
daddy.

Grace snuggles a little longer and hoovers a little closer.

Eliza is 13 and it is just hard being 13, right?

Add THIS on top of 13 and what do you get?

A LOT of emotion that she doesn't know how to feel/deal with/process, and a lot of emotion.  Period.

Swirling around in the space of our home, manifesting in many
ways.  All understandable. 

Olivia is 10, and while she "gets" what her dad has.  She
doesn't "get it" at all and probably won't until the time comes
when we ALL have to "get it."

Honestly there is NOTHING that can really help, in my opinion.

We talk a LOT.  We ask a LOT of questions.  We keep communication
very open.  It's how we have always done things anyway.  So
we've just thrown cancer into the pot and stirred a little 
longer.  But as a family, we have always tried our hardest to 
talk about things very openly.  Maybe too openly, but I prefer
open to not at all. It's healthy to talk and work through
our feelings.  Especially now.  Holding it all inside will
only cause more problems coming out the other side of this.

I'm sure there will be some problems, anyway.

It's like another blog post where I asked how does one really prepare for this?  Do we read books about cancer and dying?

I think we just live it and take it a day at a time.

We have all attended group meetings at the Cancer Wellness House here in Salt Lake.  Kyle and I go and talk to the support group,
while the girls attend a group for children of cancer patients.

The Huntsman Cancer Institute also assigns a social worker to 
each cancer patient.  Our Social Worker is Angelique, she gets
the terminal patients.  (Lucky her!)

We meet with her almost every week and have also sat in a private one on ones with her to discuss our concerns, feelings and anything else that comes to mind.  From religion to movies.

Does it help?  I don't know.  She's great and we really like her-but again--does ANYTHING really help?  It's a process, definitely.

Some days the cancer weighs a thousand pounds,
and some days there is just the whisper of cancer 
floating in the back round of all we do.

We've tried to explain this to people, but for everyone else
OUR cancer gets to go away when they leave us. Poof, gone.
They have their own life.  And this is HOW IT SHOULD BE!

I was talking to Kyle's brother and he had the DECENCY to 
admit that he DOES forget...it's true.  (and again, it's how
it SHOULD BE!)

For us???  It is ALWAYS here.  Always.

Now does that mean we're always crying and sad and depressed?
NO!  Absolutely not!!  But even on good days, the cancer is
ALWAYS there.  What is coming, is ALWAYS there.  It doesn't ruin
our life, but it never goes away.  I don't know how to explain 
it any better than that.

Couple time?  Are we getting it?  Yes.  We try and make time
JUST for us.  If that means going out with friends for dinner.
Or chips and salsa.  Or grabbing Kyle after work on a Weds.
afternoon to go see a movie and eat a dinner.  Yes.  We
run errands together, or go shopping or to Home Depot.  Even
if it's just to hold hands in the car or talk.  I think this
is one thing we are actually doing pretty well.

Seizing moments of time to make memories while the making is
good.  There is never enough time, but we're making the
most (usually) of what we have.

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Angelique, who has been a Social Worker for 20 years now asked me this question in a one on one I had with her.

She said, "Without thinking--tell me the ONE THING that is 
the very most important to you right now.  At this time.  During
this experience."

It LITERALLY took me ONE SECOND, maybe half of one second, to tell her my answer, "My family.  Time with my family."

A warm feeling of peace washed over me as I said this.

THIS, my family, is THEE most important thing to me right now.

Having time and memories with them.  Coming to chemo with Kyle.
Holding his hand while he takes this journey.

She said to me, "That is YOUR answer about where your priorities
need to be then in this journey.  The rest will come.  Things will fall into place.  Everyone's answer is different.  But
that is YOUR answer.  That is the thing YOU will regret if
you don't do it NOW."

She told me she's seen this enough to know, it's NOT easy, but
people NEED TO stay true to what matters the most to them.

If not, they will have regrets when it's over.

We're taking steps for the future.  We are waiting on answers
to questions.  We are processing this a day at a time.  That's
all we can do.  

The rest will come.  When it comes.

One answer to one question.

That's what I've got for today!

Have a great day everyone!