this could be controversial...

But since when has that ever stopped me anyway?

Since Kyle's diagnosis we have had (so) many people reach out, and call and text and visit and email and facebook us.

We know for a fact that every single one of you are completely sincere in the way you reach out towards us during this time of heartache.

We sincerely appreciate every single act of love that has been flung our way.  Every call, every meal, every treat, every single everything.  Every.Thing.

So when I say what I say next please understand that this is how Kyle and I feel.  It doesn't mean that EVERYONE who is fighting cancer feels like this.  It doesn't mean that how we feel is not subject to change on a weekly basis.  This is simply how we feel now.  Today.  In this moment in time.  

It also doesn't mean we're even slightly mad, sad or offended at anyone who has said things on the "bad list".  We just hope that it gives people a guide as we move forward.  Or helps someone who runs across this situation again in life.  

People have sincerely said, "Gosh when we hear this news we don't know what to say...."

What do you say?  There is no magic answer.  There is NOTHING anyone can say that makes it any better or fixes it.  That is a plain and simple fact.

But I will tell you what comforts us, what feeds us, and what feels good to us.  To me and my husband.

We find responses fall into 3 categories (so far).  I will list them from best to worst.

#1. People say "we love you"  "we're so sorry" "what can we do". They hug us, they express concern but don't offer any crazy platitudes or trite sayings to "fix it" or "make things better". (Remember there is NOTHING you can say to fix this or make it better.  We only need to know that you love us and are there for us.  That's it.  Then BE THERE!  That's seriously all we need for now)  How great and simple is that for you?  

Easy peasy pudding pie.

#2.  People offer trite, cliche Mormon (or religious) phrases to us.  Things like "Families can be together forever"  or "Well you must be really strong for God to give you a trail like this" or "I know it doesn't feel like it, but I KNOW things will work out for you anyway."

Let me tell you what's wrong with these things (for US!!).

A)  It's super great that we as Mormons believe that families can be together forever.  But when your husband has terminal cancer and is 44 years old (FORTY FREAKING FOUR YEARS OLD!!!) you don't care about "forever", you care about "right now".  You care about him missing things like graduations and weddings and grandbabies IN THIS LIFE!!!!  Things that will break our hearts over and over and over until we finally get to forever. Things that will sear and hurt our hearts because of IMPORTANT things he will miss in this life.  Events, holidays, moments that take our breath away.

Someday that may (hopefully) comfort us, but for now? Not so much. 

B)  The whole "you must be really strong or God wouldn't give you these trails..." thing.   Hmmmm, well I have to say that as much as this bucks conventional Mormon wisdom I gave up believing in a God that doled out trials A LONG TIME AGO!  I have a hard time imaging a loving God in Heaven that hand picks and chooses who gets what bad thing in this life.  I sort of think that "life" just happens and then we get to deal with the consequences.  We can choose our reaction and come away better or worse for the wear.

I am more of a "The God Who Weeps" kinda gal (read the book by Terryl and Fiona Givens--sold at Deseret Book even!).   This is a God who does NOT make bad things happen, He's not the distributor of tests and trials--rather He is there for us, and weeps with us, when "life" and bad things come our way.  This is my kind of God.  I cannot wrap my head around any other kind of God. (Maybe someone needs to call the Bishop on me now?!)

Lastly C) "Everything will work out".  Guess what?  I'm sure eventually IT WILL WORK OUT.  Life, it has a way of doing that--even when the worst of the worst happen.  Thank goodness time passes and pain softens or none of us could survive.  I am even certain myself that it will work out at some point that I cannot even see or fathom in the future, but for now--that doesn't help me.

And our FAVORITE response (even though it is the worst and #3) is....

drumroll please....

#3)  "The magic cure".  This is the person who tells us that medical science has it all wrong (and maybe they DO have a lot wrong), but there is a conspiracy somewhere and thousands of people are dying every day from cancer because doctors and the government (and probably President Obama) are keeping the REAL cure hidden and under wraps.

Listen, we are SUPER happy for you that you believe in this.  We are also SUPER happy for you that "the magic cure" worked for you. 

We are also not opposed to eating healthy and trying things within reason in addition to listening to doctors who see this everyday.  We are trying to be rational and sane do what we can, within our means, to help Kyle for as long as we can.  We cannot fly to foreign countries, we cannot buy $2000 machines to make magical drinks to save my husband.  We just can't.

The magic cure people, we have found, also never ask one time how Kyle (or I) are doing.  Ever.  They mostly just promote their agenda.

Which we find fascinating.  In a morbid kind of way.

If you have fallen into category #2 or #3, never fear.  We STILL love you and know you mean well.  There is absolutely ZERO (as in NONE!) offense taken on our parts.  You are still welcome to come and visit and even continue to say those things to us.  We will still love you. 

Just know though, that our preference is response #1.  

(Since you asked and all!)

Honestly?  It's all we need.  We NEED to know that we are loved and prayed for and watched over and taken care of. 

That is it.

Our basic need right now.

We don't need any good answers.  There are none and maybe there will never be any.  Sometimes life sucks and it just isn't fair.

Period.  End of story.  Nothing magical to say to make things good.

And that's what I've got for today!

Please don't hate me...I promised I would be real.

This is real.  Really really real.