I have SO many things to get through.
Guest posts. Life. Stories. Good things. Hard things.
I'm trying to keep them all in order in my mind and
time has been my enemy lately.
There is NEVER enough of it.
Work, school, homework, study, family time (barely).
On repeat day after day.
This week Kyle and I had a fun "Date Night".
As in: "not really fun and this is sarcastic" kind of
fun "date night".
We were told when he was first diagnosed that
we should "get our things in order and then live life."
And for the most part we did. And we have.
Wills were drawn, finances were put in order,
funeral plans were talked about.
But time has a funny way of getting away from you.
And all the things that are supposed to be "in order"
are not always in order.
One day last summer we walked through a cemetery
and looked at plots and priced burials/funerals.
(HOLY SMOKES dying is expensive...that's all
I have to say about that...except that so is
cancer and so our finances
were EXHAUSTED last year and so was time and
energy and all thoughts of graveyard-y kind
...and there was no money left to buy plots or
spaces or funeral-y kind of things.
And so it was pushed aside.
That day last summer made my heart literally ached.
It was all I could do to just verbalize any of
this out loud and walk around a cemetery with
Fast forward to now.
New scan results sort of propelled Kyle and I into
action once again with finishing up "funeral plans".
So this past Tuesday night, while my neighborhood
celebrated a local homegrown author and her newest
book release, we instead headed to a meeting with a
mortician (or whatever they're called) to get a
new price list (things went UP this year, of course)
and talk about what happens when the end of this
all comes to fruition.
At some point in the future.
Hopefully farther away than closer--
but it WILL come someday.
The "when" is unclear.
Let me just say that it was NOT a great night.
It is a pretty brutal thing to talk about a
funeral, Kyle's funeral,
with him sitting there, helping to plan it.
But it had to be done.
We got price sheets.
And fact sheets.
And cost sheets.
And marker prices and plot prices and listened
and talked and planned.
I kept biting my lip trying to hold back tears
and I tried not to talk very much afraid the tremor
in my voice would give way to a flood of emotion.
Once again, my heart ached inside my chest.
That night laying (lying?) in bed I said
to Kyle what I say many nights to him.
"I don't want you to die."
He replied how he always does, "I'm not dead yet."
I said, "No really...I don't want you die."
To which he replied, "I don't want to die either."
And that, my friends, was the ending to our
not so very fabulous and not so very ordinary
And yup, that's what I've got for today.