Monday, August 12, 2013


This is what I've got for today:
Grumpy, depressed, sad and tired.

I'm feeling a little "piss and vinegar" this morning.
Warning:  This post will be depressing.

We had a great vacation to California last week.

But leaving it to come home to reality was almost too
much for me this time.  Almost.

I ALWAYS get the "beach blues" when we leave.

There is something so calming for my soul at the beach,
to leave is always painful.  Always.

This time, from the moment we pulled away, silent tears
slipped down my cheeks.

We were headed back to some hard stuff.

There is nothing else to look forward to anymore.

No more trips, or vacations in the works.
The future is quite uncertain, as you know.

Only reality, which includes school, jobs, finding a job,
figuring out my life and future, cancer, chemo, Kyle, etc,
is what presses heavy upon me.

It feels really heavy this time.  Really heavy.

Will there be any more vacations together?  
Was that the last one?

I lost my crystal ball somewhere, so unfortunately there
is no predicting.

The closer I got to home, the worse I slept.

At the beach I slept peacefully every night for the
first time since Kyle was diagnosed.

Last night, I hardly slept at all.  Back at home.

Cancer and life is an interesting juxtaposition.

All layered up and mixed together.

As much as you wish it didn't, it really does
change everything.

The lens through which we view life is always
infused with the way cancer touches us and there
is no changing that.

Please read: it changes our life, always.
Please DON'T read: it always makes us sad.

I keep explaining this, people keep NOT reading 
what I'm really saying.

People and cancer and life is another interesting mix.

I am more and more shocked (and shouldn't be) at how
many people have fled from our lives.

Without a word.

Poof.  Gone.

It's so strange to me that when we need people the most,
people cannot bear to be around us.

And cancer.  And thoughts of death.  And our reality.

I had been warned.

Cancer whittles away all but a few, it is true.

Last night, one of the few turned up at my house-
tears were streaming down my face as I emotionally
vomited on her all of my "problems" with no answers.

I asked her "WHY are you still here?  No else seems to
want to be anymore!"

She said she would always be there. I believe her.

I take great comfort in that.  
(And still don't know why she is).

I think I even said a very bad word.  
And she still loves me.

For that I am grateful.

For now, we are back to real life.

Doctor appointments and chemo this week, trying to find a
job that will let me be flexible and still support my
husband, figuring out whether or not I'm accepted into
school, finding a &$*(#*& Jr High carpool, 
registering kids for college, high school, 
junior high and elementary school,
just plain old figuring out a lot of hard things.

Grace looked at me and Kyle yesterday and said, "Gosh
I don't know how you do it--you have so many stressful
things to figure out."

We feel the same way Grace, we feel the same way.

Tomorrow will be better...but we are feeling blue today.

Sorry to disappoint, but some days suck in our new

And a really bad, depressing post, that's what I've got!

More beach pictures to come after this moment passes.

It really was a great trip.

Which is why it was so hard to come home.


  1. I don't have nearly as many stressful problems to figure out as you guys do, but I certainly felt the same way. It's hard to be back to reality and scary to think we might not get another week on the beach with Kyle. I wish I could fix it, but there are still some good days ahead. We never know how many but we can enjoy the ones we will get. It doesn't make the not knowing any easier but I appreciate the time we do have so much more now. Those were precious days on the sand that I will treasure forever.

  2. I think we need to become dear friends soon.

    Sending much love,
    Mary Cox


  3. Mary, I will call you soon. I have to get brave enough to not cry the entire time. Although if I did, you of all people would understand that I'm sure. Dorien

  4. I am still here and I still pray for you and your family daily. I know it's hard being "virtual" and all but I (and all your "britches" are still here and always will be). I wish with all my might that you/no one had to face something so awful as cancer. I hate it and I HATE that Kyle has it. P.S. I totally understand the beach blues, too! I get them and I told Jeff that even though we can't afford elaborate vacations, we can afford a tank of gas so we needed to start planning some day trips to things that we can drive too and make memories that way, as well! That way I always have a little something to look forward too. Maybe you and the fam can do that as well! <3 Continued thoughts and prayers.